Midway Journal August 2011 Issue

Richard Lovejoy is an award winning writer and an actor. His most recent plays include BrainExplode! – essentially a live action video game – and A Brief History of Murder. You can listen to his sci-fi radio comedy, 1918, at www.1918show.com. Richard is also the creative director of Charred Oak Films. His feature The Widowers will be shot next Spring.

For production rights contact Richard Lovejoy at: rich@charredoakfilms.com

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CHARACTERS:
Hero
Voice
Peasant Girl
Guard / Fletcher / Ogre / Mayor
Merchant / Ghost / Gypsy Woman /
Receptionist / Mayor’s daughter
Beggar / Concerned Cultist / Innkeeper
Cult Member / Cult Guard / Neighbor /
Fletcher’s Apprentice
Cemetery Man / Loyal Cultist /
Concerned Troubadour

SCENE 1—OUTSIDE PERILTON—SCORE 208 OF 320

The stage should be bare. A screen in the back, created with a projector, displays EGA style graphics to indicate the scene.

There is a long white bar at the top of this screen. On the left of that bar reads the words “Score: 208 of 320” and to the right are the words “Sound: On.” A GUARD is on stage. All characters aside from the HERO have a repeated physical tic they continuously do. This is not to say they are robotic—their movements should be lively, and potentially even elaborate –just so long as they are looped. The GUARD rotates his head back and forth, as if he is constantly looking out in the distance.

The HERO enters, wearing a dashing cape. An offstage VOICE narrates the action.

VOICE
After hitching a ride from the Giant Winged Toad, you have arrived at the gates of Perilton. A sad looking guardsman stands watch.

HERO
Look at gate.

VOICE
The large iron gate is foreboding. It appears to be locked.

HERO
Open gate.

VOICE
The gate is locked.

HERO
Kick gate.

                                                                        The HERO goes to begin the
                                                                        action, but is interrupted by
                                                                        the voice.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Look at guard.

VOICE
The guard looks sad.

HERO
Talk to guard.

GUARD
Greetings adventurer! You picked a bad time to come to Perilton. The evil wizard Evilicus has seized control of the town and is using the evil octopus worshipping cult to kidnap the mayor’s daughter and impose a strict curfew. The citizens of Perilton live in constant fear.

HERO
Ask about Evilicus.

                                                                        A “points earned sound” dings and
                                                                        the score goes from 208 of 320 to
                                                                        209 of 320.

GUARD
Evilicus lives in the tower in the center of town. His army of octopus worshipping cult members have instructed me to let nobody in. But between you and I, I miss the mayor’s daughter and I’d rather worship a different animal, like maybe a kangaroo. Or a spider. Spiders also have eight legs. Take this octopus token. It will allow you to move about the town free of suspicion.

The GUARD hands the hero an
octopus token.

HERO
Save.

There is a quick “ding” sound
to indicate a saved game.

HERO
Open gate.

VOICE
The gate is locked.

HERO
Ask about unlocking gate.

GUARD
I don’t understand.

HERO
Ask about opening gate.

GUARD
I don’t understand.

HERO
Let me through the gate you stupid butt-faced guard.

GUARD
I don’t understand.

HERO
Spit on guard.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Look at inventory.

The HERO opens his bag and looks
inside.

VOICE
You have an octopus token, a blueberry pie, a dagger, a rope, three stones, a pouch of gold coins, a broom, a shovel, a waterskin, and a fancy tea set.

HERO
Use rope on gate.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Climb gate.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Talk to guard.

HERO
Ask about Perilton.

GUARD
This town has changed. For starters we got an influx of young and affluent minstrels and tapestry weaving professionals who moved into the outer screens, displacing some of the older inhabitants by driving up the rent. Also an Evil wizard named Evilicus now rules the town with an iron fist. He’s imposed a curfew.

HERO
Ask about curfew.

GUARD
No one is allowed to walk the streets at night. To be outside in the day you must have an octopus token. This town could sure use a hero.

HERO
Present self as hero.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Ask about guard.

GUARD
It is my job to keep people out. It is a lonely job and I am not paid well. I’m very hungry and depressed over the state of the city. When Malicifer was defeated last year I thought my troubles would be over.

HERO
Hit guard with shovel.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Give pie to guard.

Points music plays. 210 of 320.

GUARD
Thanks, I’ve been starving!

The GUARD eats the entire
blueberry pie.

GUARD
All that pie made me sleepy.

HERO
Sing lullaby.

VOICE
You sing the lullaby you learned from the Golden Ladies of Kazatunan.

                                                                       Point music. 211 of 320. The HERO
                                                                       sings a lullaby and the guard goes
                                                                       to sleep.

HERO
Search guard.

Point music plays. 212 of 320.

VOICE
You find the key to the gate.

HERO
Use key on gate.

Point music. 213 of 320.

SCENE 2—TOWN SQUARE—213 OF 320 POINTS

A PEASANT GIRL is being threatened by a CULT MEMBER. They seem to be locked into a soundless scene together.

A MERCHANT is displaying wares, seemingly oblivious to the struggle between the PEASANT GIRL and the CULT MEMBER. A BEGGAR is also present.

HERO
Look.

VOICE
You are in the town square of Perilton. To the north is an imposing tower. To the west is a horrible looking cathedral, and to the east is a row of pleasant looking loft spaces ideal for raising a family or creating art. A Peasant Girl is being harassed by a dark, sinister figure.

The HERO walks over to
the merchant.

HERO
Look at merchant.

VOICE
A friendly merchant is selling some touristy junk.

HERO
Look at beggar.

VOICE
The beggar smells unpleasant.

HERO
Look at peasant girl.

VOICE
It looks like that peasant girl is in trouble. Better act fast!

HERO
Talk to beggar.

BEGGAR
Can you spare any change?

HERO
Yell at beggar to get a job.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Piss on beggar.

VOICE
You don’t have to piss.

HERO
Drink wineskin.

VOICE
The wineskin is empty.

HERO
Balls.

VOICE
I don’t understand.

HERO
Give beggar gold coin.

Point music. 214 of 320.

BEGGAR
Thank you sir! Here, you look like a man who could use a fish.

                                                                        The BEGGAR hands the HERO a
                                                                        fish. The HERO puts the fish in his
                                                                        inventory.

HERO
Look at peasant girl.

VOICE
It looks like the peasant girl is in trouble. Better act fast!

HERO
Give fish to peasant girl.

VOICE
She looks distracted at the moment.

HERO
Look at attacker.

VOICE
I don’t understand.

HERO
Look at sinister figure.

VOICE
I don’t understand.

HERO
Look at horrible violent encounter going on right in the middle of fucking town square.

VOICE
I don’t understand.

HERO
Look at horrible violent encounter going on right in the middle of town square.

VOICE
That cult member is trying to arrest that peasant!

HERO
Talk to cult member.

VOICE
He’s busy arresting the peasant girl.

HERO
Intervene.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Scream at top of lungs.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Talk to peasant girl.

VOICE
She seems distracted.

HERO
Throw rock at cult member.

VOICE
You might need that rock later.

HERO
Look at rocks.

VOICE
You have three smooth stones you stole from the Dread Pirate Finn Mcfinnergan.

HERO
Look at inventory.

VOICE
You have a fish, an octopus token, a dagger, a rope, three stones, a pouch of gold coins, a broom, a shovel, a waterskin, and a fancy tea set.

HERO
Use shovel on cult member.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Use rope to strangle cult member.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Hang self.

VOICE
Things aren’t that bad yet.

HERO
Use dagger on cult member.

Point music plays. 215 out of 320.

The HERO stabs the CULT
MEMBER who screams in pain.

CULT MEMBER
Oh octopus god! Oh my fucking octopus god! You stabbed me. Holy shit I’m dying! Don’t just all stand there! Call a surgeon or a witch doctor! Why did you do that? Oh dear octopus, my life is flashing before my eyes... Beggar, get help! Merchant... Oh Octopus God, the searing agony! Holy shit, being stabbed is horrific! You stabbed me in the fucking stomach! Why, oh why did you stab me! I was only doing my job! This woman was under arrest because she committed tax fraud. I had a wife and three children! I’ll never see little Timmy’s first birthday, or Jessica’s tentacle day... I see a light... Oh... No... There’s nothing... There’s nothing on the other side but oblivion! Cold, cold oblivion! How could you lie to me octopus god! AHHHH!!!!!

                                                                        He dies violently and loudly. The
                                                                        HERO looks disturbed, breaking his
                                                                        up to this point neutral demeanor.

PEASANT GIRL
Thank you for saving me!

She suddenly regards him in an organic fashion. The “NPC” vacancy she possessed dissolves. She smiles at him and he smiles back. This should be the first real moment of any two characters truly seeing each other. It is a strange but beautiful—if frightening—moment for the two of them.

Shaking it off suddenly, she goes back into a more neutral disconnection.

HERO
Look at peasant girl.

VOICE
She looks relieved to no longer be under arrest for tax evasion.

HERO
Ask peasant girl out on a date.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Fall in love with peasant girl.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Talk to peasant girl.

Point music. 216 out of 320.

PEASANT GIRL
I don’t know how I can repay you for saving me from the hassle of a long and involved trial over my father’s tax documents and shady deductions. Please take this massage oil as a token of my appreciation. I best be off before more cult members come back and try and arrest me again. Farewell.

She starts to leave to the east.

HERO
Ask peasant girl to stay.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

She exits.

HERO
Openly weep.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Talk to merchant.

MERCHANT
I have wares for sale! Step right up and buy some wares!

HERO
Ask about peasant girl.

MERCHANT
I don’t know anything about that.

HERO
The girl was nearly arrested like a minute ago you stupid fucking dick magician.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Ask about mayor’s daughter.

MERCHANT
The mayor’s daughter is beautiful and kidnapped. She was kidnapped by Evilicus.

HERO
Ask about Evilicus.

MERCHANT
Evilicus is an evil wizard who does evil things with his evil.

HERO
Ask about evil.

MERCHANT
Typically life tends to consists of various shades of gray, at least morally speaking. Evil implies a Manichean universe with a more simplistic morality.

HERO
Flip off merchant.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Ask about wares.

MERCHANT
I have many wares for sale!

HERO
Purchase wares.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Buy wares.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Save.

The HERO clumsily walks towards
the BEGGAR.

HERO
Ask about peasant girl.

BEGGAR
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Frustrated the HERO exits east.

SCENE 3—LOFT ROW—SCORE 216 OF 320.

                                                                        He finds himself in a screen
                                                                        containing with a backdrop of
                                                                        two lofts.

HERO
Look.

VOICE
You are in the residential area of Perilton. Two funky artist lofts are here. The only exits are west to town square or south to the town graveyard.

HERO
Look at lofts.

VOICE
They look both hip and practical. This would be an excellent place to raise a family. Or create art.

The HERO walks towards one of
the doors.

HERO
Open door.

VOICE
The door is locked.

HERO
Knock on door.

He knocks.

VOICE
There is no reply.

HERO
You replied.

VOICE
I don’t understand.

The HERO walks over to the
other door.

HERO
Open door.

SCENE 4—FLETCHER’S LOFT—SCORE 216 OF 320.

The HERO enters from downstage. He is now in the PEASANT WOMAN’s loft. The PEASANT WOMAN’s father, the FLETCHER is also here, holding a flask which he sips from repetitively.

HERO
Look.

VOICE
You are in a loft. The peasant woman you saved early is here as is her father, Perilton’s fletcher.

The HERO walks towards the
peasant woman.

HERO
Talk to Peasant girl.

PEASANT GIRL
Thanks for saving me!

HERO
Ask about saving you.

PEASANT GIRL
I don’t understand.

HERO
Ask about remember when I saved you earlier?

VOICE
I don’t understand.

HERO
Recite love poem.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Kiss peasant girl.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Nuzzle peasant girl’s sweet milky breast against my chiseled handsome face.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Yearn for peasant girl.

There is no reply from the VOICE.

HERO
Yearn for peasant girl. Yearn for peasant girl. YEARN FOR PEASANT GIRL.

VOICE
Don’t forget, you must rescue the mayor’s daughter!

Silence.

He walks over to the FLETCHER.

HERO
Talk to Fletcher.

Point music. 217 of 320.

FLETCHER
Thank you for saving my daughter. Please accept this bow as a token of my appreciation. Hopefully you can use it to rescue the mayor’s daughter from Evilicus.

HERO
Ask for daughter’s hand in marriage.

FLETCHER
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HERO
Ask if I can have sex with your daughter.

FLETCHER
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HERO
Kick fletcher.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Ask about arrows for the stupid bow.

FLETCHER
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HERO
Drop bow.

VOICE
You might need that later.

HERO
Ask about Evilicus.

FLETCHER
Somebody heroic ought to stand up to Evilicus and tell him that his tax policies are absurd and borderline socialist! I’m a Fletcher! How can I expect to pay my taxes and raise a daughter by myself?

HERO
Ask about peasant girl’s mother.

FLETCHER
Divorce is a messy thing.

HERO
Ask about divorce.

FLETCHER
Divorce is a messy thing.

HERO
Ask about Fletcher’s alcoholism.

FLETCHER
Divorce is messy thing.

HERO
Ask about fucking fletcher’s daughter.

FLETCHER
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HERO
Look at peasant girl.

VOICE
She looks thankful.

HERO
Look at fletcher.

VOICE
He looks thankful and drunk.

HERO
Become drunk.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

The HERO approaches the PEASANT GIRL. He stares at her, trying to recreate the moment they shared earlier. She vacantly stares off into space, repeating her standard gesture. The HERO leaves, a little troubled.

SCENE 5—CEMETERY—SCORE 217 OF 320

He enters from upstage and finds himself in a cemetery. A CEMETERY MAN stands near one of the tombstones.

HERO
Look.

VOICE
You are in the town cemetery. A strange man beckons you over.

The HERO walks towards the
CEMETERY MAN.

HERO
Look at man.

VOICE
He looks untrustworthy.

HERO
Save. Talk to man.

CEMETERY MAN
Hey friend, want to buy a curse of death?

HERO
Buy curse of death from man.

CEMETERY MAN
MUHAHAHAHAHA!

                                                                       A GHOST rises from the grave and
                                                                       touches the HERO. The HERO                                                                        screams in agony, clutching his
                                                                       heart and dies. Then...

VOICE
Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to purchase a curse of death as it made you dead. Restore.

SCENE 6—CEMETERY—SCORE 217 OF 320

Everyone resumes their position
from the last saved game point.

HERO
Talk to man.

CEMETERY MAN
Hey friend, want to buy a curse of death?

The HERO exits.

SCENE 7—TOWN SQUARE—SCORE 217 OF 320

                                                                       The MERCAHNT, the BEGGAR
                                                                       and the CULT MEMBER’s corpse
                                                                       are still there. The HERO sees the
                                                                       corpse.

HERO
Look at corpse.

VOICE
Somebody ought to pick up these bodies, this is unsanitary!

HERO
Shit on corpse.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Piss on corpse.

VOICE
You don’t have to piss.

HERO
Think about death.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Talk to corpse.

VOICE
You get no response.

HERO
Apologize to corpse.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Think about my past and how I am capable of so easily taking a life.

                                                                       No response. The HERO looks
                                                                       the MERCHANT and BEGGAR,
                                                                       who seem undisturbed by the corpse
                                                                       lying near them.

HERO
Sorry you guys had to see such a... Horrible act.

They do not respond.

HERO
I had to save the beautiful peasant girl, you understand.

They do not respond.

HERO
Right. Have a good one, see you guys soon!

The HERO exits west.

SCENE 8—CATHEDRAL—SCORE 217 OF 320

                                                                       He is on a screen with an eerie
                                                                       cathedral, guarded by a CULT
                                                                       GUARD.

HERO
Look.

VOICE
A strange octopus themed cathedral sits menacingly before you. A cult member is guarding the entrance. There is an open window on the second floor of the cathedral.

HERO
Look at cult member.

VOICE
He looks culty.

HERO
Talk to cult member.

CULT GUARD
None shall pass!

HERO
Apologize for killing friend.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Turn self in.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Ask about mayor’s daughter.

CULT GUARD
She got what she deserved. Long live Evilicus! All hail the Great Octopus God.

HERO
Ask about Octopus god.

CULT GUARD
All hail the Great Octopus God!

HERO
Ask about Evilicus.

CULT GUARD
He has ruled soundly, and kept most of his campaign promises. His curfew has reduced crime by 20%. A remarkable feat considering the town only has one guard, and pays him to watch the outside gate. I’ll vote for Evilicus again!

HERO
Ask about high tax rate.

CULT GUARD
Look, Perilton needs money to run. The citizens need health care, the unemployed need to eat. Also, the Octopus Cult of which I am a proud follower needs assistance from the city to pay for our nefarious doings such as kidnapping the mayor’s daughter for Evilicus. Would you prefer to have no taxes? Then who would pay the guard to protect us from neighboring Terrorville or Despairington? Who would pay the salaries of the legislators so they might meet and pass curfews and other laws?

HERO
Open door.

CULT GUARD
None shall pass!

HERO
Ask about cathedral.

CULT GUARD
Only true initiates of the Octopus cult may pass.

HERO
Ask about becoming a true initiate.

CULT GUARD
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HERO
Throw rock at cult member.

VOICE
You might need that later.

HERO
Use dagger on cult member.

VOICE
He looks like he could avoid a dagger if he wanted to.

HERO
I could do it before!

VOICE
I don’t understand.

HERO
Waggle cock at cult member.

VOICE
I don’t understand.

The HERO exits.

SCENE 9—TOWER ENTRANCE—SCORE 217 OF 320.

Scary music plays. An OGRE stands guard over Evilicus’s tower and starts moving towards the HERO.

HERO
Look.

VOICE
The tower is being guarded by an OGRE!

The OGRE clubs the HERO to death savagely and for far too long. The VOICE talks as the OGRE continues to mutilate the HERO’s corpse with his club even after the HERO is long dead.

VOICE
You should be comforted to know that after the ogre turned you into a fine red mist, he had a stroke and was unable to enjoy the company of other ogres. For the rest of his days he remained a prisoner in his own mind, until he passed away one day, his family relieved not to have their strangely lifeless, functionless relative floating about. Restore.

SCENE 10—CEMETARY—SCORE 217 OF 320.

The stage is reset to the cemetery.

HERO
Talk to man.

CEMETERY MAN
Hey friend, want to buy a curse of death?

HERO
Ask about curse of death.

CEMETERY MAN
If you have a curse of death, you get to DIE.

HERO
Ask about cost of curse of death.

CEMETERY MAN
Your first one is on me. MUHAHAHAHA!

HERO
Ask man why it is he does what he does as opposed to pursuing a more noble career like perhaps going to law school and getting a job that will actually make him money.

CEMETERY MAN
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HERO
Ask about family.

CEMETERY MAN
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HERO
Ask about the point of selling a curse of death.

CEMETERY MAN
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HERO
Give man fish.

VOICE
He doesn’t seem to need it.

HERO
Give man shovel.

VOICE
He doesn’t seem to need it.

HERO
Give man tea set.

The HERO hands over his tea set.

CEMETERY MAN
Thanks!

                                                                        Point music. 218 of 320. The HERO
                                                                        looks skyward, presumably towards
                                                                        the VOICE.

HERO
What the fuck?

VOICE
I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

The HERO considers. Suspicious
and annoyed, he continues.

HERO
Save. Buy curse of death.

CEMETERY MAN
I’m no longer selling a curse of death. Now I sell tea. Cemetery tea.

HERO
Buy cemetery tea.

                                                                        The CEMETERY MAN pours the
                                                                        HERO some tea. The HERO sips
                                                                        the tea and immediately chokes to
                                                                        death violently and dies.

VOICE
Cemetery tea turns out to be almost as unhealthy as soda. Your last sensation is the flavor or corpses and rose petals. Restore.

The scene resets to the top.

SCENE 11—CEMETERY—SCORE 218 OF 320

HERO
Throw rock at man.

VOICE
You might need that later.

HERO
Use dagger on man.

VOICE
You might need that later.

HERO
Use dagger on self.

VOICE
Things haven’t gotten that bad yet.

HERO
Take back tea set.

CEMETERY MAN
This tea set is all have! I won’t give it up. Without this tea set I’m just a guy who hangs out in a cemetery, but with this set I’m the guy who sells cemetery tea!

Frustrated, the HERO exits.

SCENE 12—LOFT ROW—SCORE 218 OF 320.

HERO
Look.

VOICE
You are in the residential area of Perilton. Two funky artist lofts are here. The only exits are west to town square or south to the town graveyard.

The HERO stares at the
FLETCHER’s loft, then exits.

SCENE 13—TOWER ENTRANCE—SCORE 218 OF 320.

                                                                        The OGRE charges at him. He goes
                                                                        back to the town square before
                                                                        getting caught.

SCENE 14—CATHEDRAL—SCORE 218 OF 320.

HERO
Look.

VOICE
A strange octopus themed cathedral sits menacingly before you. The only exit is east, back towards the square. A cult member seems to be guarding the entrance. There is an open window on the second floor of the cathedral.

HERO
Look at second floor.

VOICE
It’s too far away to see anything up there.

HERO
Throw rope to second floor.

The HERO does this and the rope
falls back down.

VOICE
Nothing happens.

HERO
Nobody goes. Nobody comes. It’s awful.

VOICE
I don’t understand.

HERO
You wouldn’t...

The HERO mutters to himself.

HERO
Talk to cult member.

CULT GUARD
None shall pass!

HERO
Give massage oil to cult member.

VOICE
He doesn’t want it.

HERO
Give fish to cult member.

VOICE
He doesn’t want it.

HERO
Give shovel to cult member.

VOICE
He doesn’t want it.

HERO
Give tea set to cult member.

VOICE
You don’t have a tea set.

HERO
Give rope to cult member.

VOICE
He doesn’t want it.

HERO
Give broom to cult member.

VOICE
He doesn’t want it.

HERO
Give octopus token to cult member.

CULT GUARD
Ah, keep your token. I already have one, and if you didn’t have one I’d be arresting you.

HERO
Confess to murder.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Give bow to cult member.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Proposition cult member for sex.

VOICE
I don’t understand.

HERO
Offer to suck cult member’s cock.

VOICE
I don’t understand.

HERO
Give stones to cult member.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Masturbate several gallons of semen into a jar and force feed the jar to the cult member while saying “you like that? You like that? There’s more where that came from just let me into the goddamn cathedral!”

VOICE
You don’t have a jar.

HERO
Shit everywhere.

VOICE
I don’t understand.

The HERO exits back towards the
town square.

SCENE 15—TOWN SQUARE—SCORE 218 OF 320.

He walks up to the MERCHANT.

HERO
Give massage oil to merchant.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Give fish to merchant.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Give shovel to merchant.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Give rope to merchant.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Give broom to merchant.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Give octopus token to merchant.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Give bow to merchant.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

The HERO walks to the BEGGAR.

HERO
Give massage oil to beggar.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Give fish to the beggar.

BEGGAR
I’m glad you’re enjoying my fish so much. Thank you again for your gold coin! My family was poor and I didn’t receive a university education, so nobody will hire me for anything thus I have no real option except to beg. Your gold coin is all that stands between me and certain starvation. People expect you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, but that is a ridiculous notion because I lack a place to live, so how can I clean myself and even appear ready for a job? And even if I did get hired how could I possibly earn enough money to socially advance myself? I’d be using all my resources just to get by and spending all my energy earning this bare minimal survival money that I’d have no time to pursue my primary goal of being a novelist.

HERO
Give shovel to beggar.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Give rope to beggar.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Give broom to beggar.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Give octopus token to beggar.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

HERO
Give bow to beggar.

VOICE
He doesn’t want that.

The HERO walks over to the corpse.

HERO
Give massage oil to corpse.

VOICE
He’s too dead to need that.

HERO
Give fish to corpse.

VOICE
He’s too dead to need that.

HERO
Give shovel to corpse.

VOICE
He’s too dead to need that.

HERO
Give rope to corpse.

VOICE
He’s too dead to need that.

HERO
Give broom to corpse.

VOICE
He’s too dead to need that.

HERO
Give octopus token to corpse.

VOICE
He’s too dead to need that.

HERO
Give bow to corpse.

VOICE
He’s too dead to need that.

HERO
Stab corpse with dagger.

VOICE
You defile the body.

The HERO stabs the corpse.

HERO
Stab corpse with dagger.

VOICE
You defile the body.

The HERO stabs the corpse. Then he starts doing it repeatedly.

HERO
(singing as a ditty)
Stabbity stabbity stabbity stabbity stabbity.

The HERO stops defiling the body.

                                                                        Suddenly he realizes how awful it
                                                                        is to defile a body. Unnerved,
                                                                        he walks east towards the lofts.

SCENE 16—LOFT ROW—SCORE 218 OF 320.

                                                                        He walks up to the FLETCHER’s
                                                                        loft but decides not to enter. He
                                                                        walks away, dejected. He sits down.

HERO
Look at inventory.

VOICE
You have massage oil, a fish, an octopus token, a dagger, a rope, three stones, a pouch of gold coins, a broom, a shovel, a bow, and a waterskin.

HERO
Use fish with shovel.

VOICE
Those things don’t go together.

HERO
Use fish with rope.

VOICE
Those things don’t go together.

HERO
Use fish with broom.

VOICE
Those things don’t go together.

HERO
Use fish with octopus token.

VOICE
Those things don’t go together.

HERO
Use fish with bow.

VOICE
Those things don’t go together.

HERO
Use dagger with fish.

VOICE
Those things don’t go together.

HERO
Use dagger with shovel.

VOICE
Those things don’t go together.

HERO
Use dagger with rope.

VOICE
Those things don’t go together.

HERO
Use dagger with broom.

                                                                        Point music. 219 of 320. The HERO
                                                                        uses the dagger to sharpen the end
                                                                        of the broom.

VOICE
You sharpen the broom with the dagger.

He exits, inspired by solving
a puzzle.

SCENE 17—THE CATHEDRAL—SCORE 219 OF 320

He approaches the CULT GUARD.

HERO
Stab cult guard with broom.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Use broom with massage oil.

VOICE
Those things don’t go together.

HERO
Use broom with fish.

                                                                        Point music. 220 of 320. The HERO
                                                                        stabs the fish with the sharp end
                                                                        of the broom.

VOICE
You attach the fish to the sharpened broom, creating fishbroom.

HERO
Give fishbroom to cult guard.

VOICE
He finds that ridiculous.

The HERO exits east to the town
square.

SCENE 18—TOWN SQUARE—SCORE 220 OF 320.

The HERO approaches the
MERCHANT.

HERO
Give fishbroom to merchant.

MERCHANT
I only accept cash, debit, or credit.

HERO
Ask merchant about invisible hand of capitalism.

MERCHANT
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HERO
Good, neither do I. Ask merchant about fishbroom.

MERCHANT
That’s a mighty fine fishbroom you have there, sir!

The HERO walks back to
the cathedral.

SCENE 19—CATHEDRAL—SCORE 220 OF 320.

HERO
Look at second floor.

VOICE
It’s too far away to see anything up there.

HERO
Throw fishbroom to second floor.

VOICE
Your arm isn’t accurate enough.

HERO
Use rope on fishbroom.

Point music 221 of 320.

The HERO ties the rope onto
the fishbroom.

HERO
Throw fishbroomrope to second floor.

VOICE
Your arm isn’t accurate enough.

HERO
Use fishbroomrope with bow.

Point music 223 of 320.

HERO
Fire fishbroomrope into second floor.

He does. Point music 225 of 320.

HERO
Climb fishbroomrope.

SCENE 20—STORAGE ROOM—SCORE 225 OF 320.

HERO
Look.

VOICE
You see an Octopus cult storage room. There is door to the east and several shelves full of peculiar octopus paraphernalia.

HERO
Look at shelf.

VOICE
Resting on the shelf is some octopus summoning powder, a flask of whiskey, and ink.

HERO
Pick up ink.

Point music. 226 of 320.

HERO
Pick up powder.

Point music. 227 of 320.

HERO
Pick up flask.

Point music. 228 of 320.

HERO
Save.

The HERO walks east.

SCENE 21—MAIN HALL

                                                                        A CONCERNED
                                                                        MEMBER communicates with
                                                                        a LOYAL MEMBER. They
                                                                        immediately notice the HERO.

LOYAL CULTIST
An intruder!

CONCERNED CULTIST
I thought I smelled fish coming from the storage room! Get him!

                                                                        The HERO turns to walk away
                                                                        but the cultists catch up to him
                                                                        and stab him death with a
                                                                        gleeful violence.

LOYAL CULTIST
We make a good team!

CONCERNED CULTIST
I love you, man.

VOICE
That will teach you to walk into a room. Restore.

SCENE 22—STORAGE ROOM—SCORE 228 OF 320

                                                                        The HERO goes towards to window
                                                                        and regards the fishbroomrope.
                                                                        He looks puzzled.

HERO
Why did I need to attach the fish to the broom?

VOICE
I don’t understand.

HERO
Climb down fishbroomrope.

SCENE 23—CATHEDRAL—SCORE 228 OF 320.

                                                                        The HERO is now back on the
                                                                        cathedral scene. He approaches the
                                                                        CULT MEMBER guarding the
                                                                        cathedral.

HERO
Uh...

He looks intensely troubled.

HERO
Is this all you do all day?

No response.

HERO
Never mind.

He goes back to town square.

SCENE 24—TOWN SQUARE—SCORE 228 OF 320.

He approaches the corpse.

HERO
Look at corpse.

VOICE
The corpse is dead and wearing a cult robe.

The HERO is slightly horrified
he realizes what he must do.

HERO
(reluctantly)
Take cult robe.

Point music plays as the HERO
removes the CULT MEMBER’s robe. 229 of 320.

HERO
Hide cult member’s shame.

                                                                        The HERO rolls the CULT
                                                                        MEMBER over. Point music
                                                                        plays. 230 of 320. The HERO
                                                                        starts to walk west then stops.

He walks east instead.

SCENE 25—LOFT ROW—SCORE 230 OF 320.

He stares at the FLETCHER’s loft.

HERO
Pine for peasant girl.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Miss the peasant girl.

VOICE
You can’t do that.

HERO
Who gives a fuck about the mayor’s daughter when the sweet, sweet peasant girl is already safe and already loves me for saving her.

VOICE
I don’t understand.

HERO
Save.

He walks closer to the door.

HERO
Save. Just to be safe...

He enters the door.

SCENE 26—FLETCHER’S LOFT—SCORE 230 OF 320.

He stares at her. He walks towards her. Simply, not expecting it to work, he touches her face. For a moment she looks surprised that she has been touched, but then she goes back to functioning as a Non-Player Character, staring vacantly into the nothing in particular.

He is shocked. He steps away and listens for the voice. He backs away, tripping. He staggers out of the loft.

SCENE 27—LOFT ROW—SCORE 230 OF 320.

                                                                       He begins hyperventilating. He
                                                                       breathes heavily and feels his
                                                                       own face.

HERO
Holy shit. What the... I’ll never wash this hand again. Oh god, it’s hot here... Perilton is so hot... Hot feels amazing!

He collapses to the floor and laughs
suddenly, maniacally.

HERO
Holy octopus! I... I touched her. And I think. I think she...

He looks at the loft.

                                                                       He goes to the door of the
                                                                       FLETCHER. He raises his hand to
                                                                       knock. He pauses. He exits back to
                                                                       town square.

SCENE 28—TOWN SQUARE—SCORE 230 OF 320.

The corpse is no longer there but the
MERCHANT and BEGGAR are.

HERO
Excuse me, Merchant?

No response.

HERO
Something strange and wonderful but terrifying has happened! Merchant? Beggar?

No response.

HERO
Merchant, I need advice. I...

He considers.

HERO
Talk to merchant.

MERCHANT
I have wares for sale! Step right up and buy some wares!

HERO
Merchant, I don’t need wares I need some advice... I, uh... I don’t know what I’m doing or what happened... I touched her! I want to share who I am with her, but I can only remember back to when I had zero points and I was in the dread pirate’s brig and I had to search under the crate to find the mouse trap which I smashed against the skeleton of the other prisoner to break, and then used the rusty nail and mousetrap pieces to fashion a lockpick which I used to escape the brig. I can’t remember anything before that, like how I got in that brig or what my name is. Do you know me? Am I from Perilton? Maybe I’m from Despairington?

There is no response.

HERO
Hello? Talk to merchant.

MERCHANT
I have wares for sale! Step right up and buy some wares!

HERO
Can you... I mean, how was your day?

No response.

HERO
Beggar, do you understand me?

Pause.

HERO
Remember beggar, you gave me a fish? I used it... Not sure why or how it worked but it did. Do you remember giving me that?

No response.

HERO
Oh come on! What am I doing here? What’s my job? I can’t remember where I’m from or what my parents were like. Hello. Anybody? Where is the corpse? Who cleaned him up after all this time? Oh god... I murdered him... I murdered someone... I’m a murderer... He screamed in pain... He told me he had a... Merchant! Where did that cult member I murdered live? He has a family!

He considers.

HERO
Ask about cult member.

MERCHANT
I don’t know anything about that.

The HERO goes to strangle
the MERCHANT.

HERO
Yes you do! Don’t lie to me! Ask about ask about ask about! DIE MOTHERFUCKER!

                                                                       Suddenly the HERO recoils in
                                                                       horror. The MERCHANT stands,
                                                                       indifferent and unreactive.

HERO
No, I’ve spilled enough blood today. I’m so sorry.

He brushes the MERCHANT off
and runs away.

SCENE 29—FLETCHER’S LOFT—SCORE 230 OF 320

He walks up to the PEASANT GIRL.
He looks over at the FLETCHER.

HERO
Peasant girl, I love you.

No response.

HERO
I want to do things to you. Things I don’t understand. I want to write you a poem. I want to meet your friends! I want to lick you where you pee from!

He looks briefly revolted and
surprised at his own words.

HERO
We shared something. I know we did. Talk to me! What do you do? What is your job? How is your life? Do you have a good relationship with your father? LOOK AT ME!

He darts about trying to get her
attention. He does goofy things.

HERO
OK. OK... Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to put on this cult robe, and go forward with the quest, because... Because I have to. But I’ll be back, I swear. I love you! I’ll find a way to wake you up. I see you in there. I know you are almost awake. That I have almost awoken you! Talk to peasant girl.

PEASANT GIRL
Thanks for saving me!

He starts to kiss her but stops
himself.

HERO
Put on cult robe.

                                                                       He puts on the robe. Point music.
                                                                       231 of 320. He regards the
                                                                       point music.

He exits to the loft screen.

SCENE 30—CATHEDRAL—SCORE 231 OF 320.

He marches to the rope.

HERO
Climb this motherfucker.

SCENE 31—MAIN HALL—SCORE 231 OF 320.

There are two cult members
talking in the hallway.

HERO
Look.

VOICE
Oh, so we finally decided to get back to looking for the mayor’s daughter.

The HERO looks alarmed. He
shakes his head like a wet dog.

HERO
Look.

VOICE
You are in the hallway on the second floor of the cathedral. Two cultists are engaged in a tense debate. A large plant brightens the hallway and makes you feel strangely happy about the beauty of the world. A stairway to the south leads downstairs.

                                                                       The HERO creeps towards the
                                                                       debating cultists. He can’t hear them
                                                                       talking, yet they are animatedly
                                                                       and expressively doing so.

HERO
Listen.

VOICE
Be more specific.

HERO
Eavesdrop.

Point music. 232 of 320.

CONCERNED CULTIST
I’m just not sure that kidnapping the mayor’s daughter was a necessary move. I mean, what does that even accomplish politically?

LOYAL CULTIST
How can you say it accomplishes nothing politically? By helping Evilicus with the kidnapping we’ve made ourselves invaluable to him, hence we get tax breaks, a say in the allocation of city resources, and all sorts of other perks.

CONCERNED CULTIST
I mean, why did he even need to do that though?

LOYAL CULTIST
Because the mayor is a political enemy.

CONCERNED CULTIST
So why not just kill the mayor?

LOYAL CULTIST
I don’t know, I’m not Evilicus.

HERO
Excuse me gents...

CONCERNED CULTIST
I’m just not sure that kidnapping the mayor’s daughter was a necessary move. I mean, what does that even accomplish politically?

CONCERNED CULTIST
I mean, why did he even need to do that though?

LOYAL CULTIST
Because the mayor is a political enemy.

CONCERNED CULTIST
So why not just kill the mayor?

LOYAL CULTIST
I don’t know, I’m not Evilicus.

HERO
Guys?

CONCERNED CULTIST
I’m just not sure that kidnapping the mayor’s daughter was a necessary move. I mean, what does that even accomplish politically?

HERO
Interrupt argument.

LOYAL CULTIST
Who the devil is that? I don’t recognize you. Kill him!

They begin stabbing the HERO.

HERO
Oh God, stop! Stabbing is awful! No!!! No, I’m alive, stop it! Stop it. Uhh...

A long silence once he dies.

CONCERNED CULTIST
I’m just not sure that kidnapping the mayor’s daughter was a necessary move. I mean, what does that even accomplish politically?

CONCERNED CULTIST
I mean, why did he even need to do that though?

LOYAL CULTIST
Because the mayor is a political enemy.

CONCERNED CULTIST
So why not just kill the mayor?

LOYAL CULTIST
I don’t know, I’m not Evilicus.

VOICE
Restore.

CONTINUED IN NEXT ISSUE