FIRST WRITER: Alexis Sottile

Voices are heard in darkness, possibly starting in center aisle of theater, but if there is no center aisle possibly, in box office, or perhaps the actors begin in uppermost rows of seats, and travel down to stage. If the latter is chosen, the actors should definitely ignore audience members as they travel, treating them like physical obstacles but not as people. Or it can start on stage; we just need to get a real sense of confused, labored movement in the darkness. The day is January 29, 1993. LINDSAY is a woman in her early thirties, and JASON is a man in his early thirties. The entirety of this section takes place on the night of a blizzard, and should be dimly lit, as if snow is falling through streetlights, or on dark highways.

LINDSAY
Where are you?

JASON
I’m right here. You can’t see me?

LINDSAY
No, I can see you. I meant to say, where are we? Where the fuck are we?

JASON
I’m…not sure. Can you give me your lighter? I’ll try to look at this map again.

LINDSAY
I left it in the car.

JASON
Oh, I wish you’d stayed in the car…

LINDSAY
Thanks!

JASON
No, it’s warm in the car! I just meant it’s warm in the car. That’s all. I can’t see a damn thing in this snow.

A lighter is lit in the darkness. The lighter should dimly reveal her hands and torso, not her face. She is wearing a winter coat and gloves.

JASON
Where did that come from?

LINDSAY
I just found it.

JASON
You just found your lighter?

LINDSAY
No, another lighter.

JASON
I don’t understand.

LINDSAY
I found another lighter in the snow.

JASON
How can you even see?
(silence)
Lindsay?

LINDSAY
(annoyed, sing song voice)
I’m he-e-re!

JASON
Ok, okay. Let’s try this.

Lights up, very dimly, and red, on a dark room. A seventeen year old girl, HEATHER, stands alone there, wearing large headphones. She develops pictures, and hangs them up to dry behind her. The song “Close to You,” by The Carpenters plays for awhile. We hear it in the audience, but we see that it is on in her headphones, since she lip-synchs along to it from time to time. There is also a boom box behind her in the dark room, to which the headphones are connected. She is playing the song on tape. A buzzer rings three times, to signal to her that she has a customer. Perhaps she also is wearing a T-shirt or some kind of uniform to indicate that she works at a One Hour Photo place. HEATHER doesn’t hear the buzzer the first two times but seems to hear it on the third. When she hears it, she unplugs her headphones, and the music abruptly switches from “Close to You” to “Hakuna Matata,” from The Lion King.

HEATHER
(to herself)
Oh, my god. The Lion King. He’s killing me.
(offstage, to customer)
Be with you in a minute!

HEATHER exits with her headphones still around her neck.

Lights up, but still VERY dimly, on the cab of a truck. BIG AL, a truck driver, sits in the passenger seat, and a young woman, VIOLET, is driving. She is wearing a party hat and a necklace with a piece of toast hanging off of it. Not a charm of a piece of toast, she has poked her necklace chain through an actual piece of toast.

BIG AL
You know what cheers me up?
(pause)
“Baby Got Back.”
(he rap/sings)
“I like big butts and I cannot lie! Those other brothers can’t deny! Cause when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung!”

VIOLET
Um, are you coming on to me? Cause I’ll just. I’ll just pull over.

BIG AL
No. But, wait. That’s an ambiguous statement. What? Pardon my mind for, uh, diverging in two directions, but, uh, pull over…to…?

VIOLET
To get out.

BIG AL
Right. And then to?

VIOLET
To walk. In the snow.

BIG AL
Right. And then?

VIOLET
I would freeze to death in the snow, without ever having said goodbye.

BIG AL
Yep, yep. That’s what I thought. No. No, ma’am. Not that your potential offer there wasn’t flattering for a moment, but, no, nope. I was trying to cheer you up. I can see that you are suffering from the heartache, there, and, further, you seem to be fleeing a birthday party, if you don’t mind the inference, and then there’s the toast. You have some toast there on your shirt, sort of. On your necklace, but still, in a way, on your shirt, which I mean, if you were smiling, that could bespeak of good times, but, taking your general demeanor into account, I would have to say no. That rather, this is…if you don’t mind my saying so, some kind of toast of bitterness. This is a heavy piece of toast.
(silence)
You don’t have to—

VIOLET
It’s mine. It’s my birthday.

BIG AL
January 29th! A Capricorn! No. An Aquarius. Just as good, just as good. Let’s see now, January 29th, 1993! And you are, how old on this day, if you don’t mind my asking?

VIOLET
Twenty-one.

BIG AL
Twenty-one years old! How does it feel?

VIOLET
How does it look?

BIG AL
“Little in the middle but you got much back!”

VIOLET
See, it seems like you’re hitting on me when you do that.

BIG AL
I’m not! Honest to god! I am trying to cheer you up! This is what cheers me up! When my wife Vivica and I split up three years back, all I did was play “Baby Got Back” to myself over and over and over and over.

VIOLET
Why didn’t you play sad music?

BIG AL
You wanna live? Play happy music when you’re sad and save sad music for when you’re happy. “My baby got back!” By the way, did you know that guy who was walking behind you when I picked you up? The guy in the costume? That your boyfriend?

VIOLET
What guy in what costume?

BIG AL
The guy, in the costume. You two at the same party? Your birthday a costume party?

VIOLET
My boyfriend’s on crutches. No. That wouldn’t be—someone was following me?

BIG AL
Well, that’s why I honked at you, originally, yeah. I thought you might be in trouble.

VIOLET
Let’s pull over.

BIG AL
Right now?

VIOLET
Yeah.

She starts pulling over.

BIG AL
Why, girlie? Do you see a rest stop or something like—

Ad lib until she kisses him.

Swiftly, she puts car in park. She kisses him passionately, begins to climb on top of him. Lights dim. Lights up to dim yellow light on JEFFREY, a seventeen year old guy, at ONE HOUR PHOTO KIOSK. JEFFREY is holding a soccer ball or some other piece of sporting equipment. The interior of the ONE HOUR PHOTO KIOSK should be extremely small—it is a kiosk in a Mall parking lot. HEATHER enters as if no time has passed since her last scene.

HEATHER
Jeffrey!

JEFFREY
(nervously)
Hi. Hi. I hope I didn’t scare you.

HEATHER
(also nervous)
No, I was just…working…with these stupid headphones on. Hi.

JEFFREY
Yeah, well, I just wanted to offer you a ride home. The blizzard’s getting real bad. They even closed the Mall up early. So, it’s just you now in the Mall parking lot. And I didn’t want you to, you know, be like, the lone Mall worker out here. Like.

HEATHER
Oh, wow! Um, wow. Well, um. I should-I have to close up, you know? Like, do some stuff first? You know? I mean, I would love a ride, but, you know, I have to, um—

JEFFREY
No, I get it. I’m-I had to close up Modell’s, you know? See, I’m taking this sick little soccer ball home to nurse it back to health.

HEATHER
Oh, that’s—do you have to do that?

JEFFREY
No, it’s just messed up so they let me have it for free. I would show you my moves but it’s so tiny in here, would I kill your store?

HEATHER
You might. But it would serve Rinaldi right for killing me with this Lion King soundtrack.

JEFFREY
Can’t you feel the love tonight?

Began as a joke, but it leads into an awkward, nervous teenage pause. They obviously like one another and have not yet acted on it.

HEATHER
Um—

JEFFREY
Hey, how bout this? I see a couple cars still at Pizza Hut. If Vinny is working there is no question that I can score us some pizza for the road. You close up and I’ll be back in like-

HEATHER
Fifteen minutes? It takes fifteen, maybe twenty?

JEFFREY
I’ll hang with Vinny. We’ll scrimmage. I’ll be back.

HEATHER
Ok, awesome. Thanks!

JEFFREY exits. HEATHER goes back into the back room to close up. As HEATHER fusses with the trays and the tongs, we see, behind her, a figure hiding behind the boom box, with its face hidden. She does not see it. It reaches a gloved hand to the boom box and turns on the song, “Close to You” and withdraws its hand into darkness again. HEATHER takes it in stride for a beat, but it is playing over the Lion King soundtrack at first, and then the Lion King soundtrack is switched off.

HEATHER
Mr. Rinaldi?
(long pause)
Jeffrey?

Lights out. Lights up on JEFFREY and VINNY’s boss, “GRANDPA” JOE, inside of Pizza Hut. GRANDPA JOE is the amiable manager of the Pizza Hut, all the kids, and even adults, in town call him Grandpa.

JEFFREY
I’m sorry I missed Vinny, but thanks for the pizza, Grandpa Joe.

GRANDPA
Anytime, kid!

JEFFREY
Thanks. You closin’ up soon?

GRANDPA
Soon, soon, yes, soon enough! Just after you go meet The Princess. I’ll wait it out with ya, Jeff, while I sweep! You think this girl really likes you?

JEFFREY
Seems like it, yeah.

GRANDPA
You like her?

JEFFREY
She’s cool, yeah. I’ve known her a little. I mean, awhile! She was in my gym class last year,… Really fast runner! Could not keep up with her. Now we both work at the Mall. Tonight’d be the first night we’d be—

GRANDPA

END SCENE


SECOND WRITER: Danny Bowes
GRANDPA
Wait a second.
(he hurriedly moves to the window)
Is that the One Hour Photo kiosk...?

JEFFREY (17) joins GRANDPA Joe (no relation) at the window. JEFFREY’s face lights up in terror.

JEFFREY
Oh my God, Heather!

GRANDPA
Let’s go see.

JEFFREY
Wait but like...shouldn’t we call the cops?

GRANDPA Joe hesitates; his old jovial countenance inscrutable for a second before turning to JEFFREY.

GRANDPA
Yeah. I'm going to go see if everything’s okay.

JEFFREY exits one way in search of a phone, GRANDPA Joe another toward the kiosk.

Lights to black. JASON (male, 30s) and LINDSAY (female, 30s) enter, dressed in winter jackets, hats and gloves. The only light is from Lindsay’s lighter. They walk slowly, as if through snow and woods (which they are).

JASON
You better know where you’re going.

LINDSAY
I absolutely know where we’re going.

JASON
You were the one who was all fucking lost earlier.

LINDSAY
Yeah, well, I know where we are now.

JASON
Good. Because I can’t see a damn thing. I’m following you.

LINDSAY
And I know where I'm going now so we’re all set, aren’t we?

JASON
That lighter’s lasting a long time.

LINDSAY
It’s not the same one.

JASON
I thought you couldn’t find yours.

LINDSAY
I found another one on the ground.

JASON
You found another random lighter on the ground? What are the odds?

LINDSAY
Dipshit. This is the same one. It’s my lighter. I did not find a random lighter on the ground. I found it in my pocket.

They trudge on in silence.

JASON
We couldn't have done this in the spring, huh? When it’s nice out.

LINDSAY
Jason, seriously, stop whining.

JASON
I'm not whining, Linds, I’m just saying, middle of the winter, tromping through the snow and shit in the woods.

LINDSAY
Funny, that’s pretty close to my definition of whining.

JASON
All right, I’ll shut up.

LINDSAY stops.

LINDSAY
Shut up a second.

JASON
I just said I’d—

LINDSAY
Ssh.

The stand in silence for a second.

JASON
What are we—

LINDSAY
(points)
Listen.

JASON
What am I—ah. That was a car.

LINDSAY
Yeah. Going pretty fast. Road’s that way.

She changes direction and starts to head offstage.

JASON
I thought you said you knew where you were going. What’s this shit?

LINDSAY
I wasn’t lying. I was just speaking in the future tense. You coming with me or you want to find your way through these trees in the dark?

JASON follows her offstage, grumbling.

Lights up on the trashed remains of the One Hour Photo kiosk at the mall. JEFFREY is doing his best not to freak out while talking to a local cop, DEPUTY BAKER (female, about 40). She’s all business, but not cold.

BAKER
So, the girl who worked here, Heather. You guys friends, more than friends, what?

JEFFREY
Friends. Like, theoretically maybe more than friends.

BAKER
Still workin’ on it?

JEFFREY
Yeah, I guess. I mean like I was gonna just, I was just over at Grandpa Joe’s getting a pizza, and we were gonna, me and Heather, we were going to . . . eat it. And then like I . . . but that doesn’t really have anything to do with—

BAKER
Right. So how long were you over at Joe’s? This is the Pizza Hut over there?

JEFFREY
Yeah, right over there.

BAKER
Line of sight from here.

JEFFREY
I guess, yeah, but I was—
(demonstrates with his body)
I was facing away, talking to Joe.

BAKER
For how long?

JEFFREY
Like fifteen minutes.

BAKER
Could he see what was going on from the counter?

JEFFREY
He didn’t . . . well, yeah, he pointed out what was, like he was like, “Is that the One Hour Photo kiosk?” and I was like “What?” and then I was like oh my God because it’s trashed.
(gestures to the mess)

BAKER
That whole time he didn’t see anything else?

JEFFREY
I don’t know, we were talkin’ about stuff. And he was making the pizza. Well, putting the pizza in the microwave.

BAKER
Right.
(finishes taking notes)
Jeffrey, I want to thank you. You've been very helpful. You’re doing a good job holding it together.
(off some indication that JEFFREY’s about to lose it)
Hey, look at me. Jeffrey. We’re going to find out what happened here.

JEFFREY
You think something . . . happened . . . to Heather?

BAKER
Well that's what we're going to find out. Okay? Meantime, you go be with someone who cares about you. Someone you can talk to.

JEFFREY
Okay.

BAKER
All right, here's my card.
(hands him a business card)
Get home safe, okay? Roads are rough tonight.

JEFFREY exits, fretting the business card dog-eared on his way. BAKER reviews her notes, and the carnage. A second later, DEPUTY DELLOGROSSO (male, 30s, every inch a cop), BAKER’s partner in both police work and deadpan sarcasm, enters.

DELLOGROSSO
Katie.

BAKER
A.J.

DELLOGROSSO
Grandpa Joe’s actin’ a little odd.

BAKER
You don’t say.

DELLOGROSSO
Yeah, the famed grandfatherly thing might be a facade of some sort.

BAKER
Truly shocking, the things we find on the job.

DELLOGROSSO
He tells me one of his employees, a young fellow by the name of Vinny, that’d be Vinny Materazzi, took off early from work tonight.

BAKER
And?

DELLOGROSSO
I want to go teach the little fuck about having a proper work ethic. No, Grandpa Joe tells me the kid, the one you were talking to—

BAKER
Jeffrey. Nice kid.

DELLOGROSSO
Yeah. Jeffrey’s been making eyes at the One Hour Photo chick for a while now.

BAKER
Do you have to call her a chick?

DELLOGROSSO
She's a little young to be a broad.

BAKER
So Jeffrey’s been making eyes at the young woman who works at the now distinctly unkempt One Hour Photo.

DELLOGROSSO
Yeah. Only Grandpa Joe tells me, Vinny was too. Jeffrey, meanwhile, thinks he and Vinny are still buddies. Only Vinny is so jealous that Heather the One Hour Photo . . . young woman . . .

BAKER
Well done, continue.

DELLOGROSSO
That Heather apparently has it back for Jeffrey. Vinny’s like, oh shit, I’m 17, this obviously means the end of the world, and he took off from work early specifically so he wouldn't have to see Jeffrey.

BAKER
And Grandpa Joe told him out of the kindness of his heart, sure, go ahead.

DELLOGROSSO
According to Grandpa Joe.

BAKER
So why’s Grandpa Joe all of a sudden some kind of reliquary for teenage gossip?

DELLOGROSSO
Reliquary?

BAKER
You like that?

DELLOGROSSO
Yeah, it’s classy. My answer at this stage of the investigation is “fuck if I know” but it’s the kind of “fuck if I know” that makes me want to find out. Old guy being that forthcoming about the inner workings of his quote-unquote grandkids makes me go, huh?

BAKER
Me too. Call me cynical.

DELLOGROSSO
I’m not calling you anything, you’re already sending me to sensitivity training as is.
(beat)
Think she’s dead?

BAKER
No, if she was dead she’d be dead right here.

DELLOGROSSO
So she’s alive.

BAKER
For now. Notice anything goofy about all this mess?

DELLOGROSSO
That a rhetorical question?

BAKER
Where are we?

DELLOGROSSO
Philosophically?

BAKER
We’re in a One Hour Photo kiosk.

DELLOGROSSO
What's left of it.

BAKER
What do you not see?

DELLOGROSSO
Hmm.
(has a look)
Not a whole lot of prints. Or negatives.
(takes another second)
Actually, make that none.

BAKER
Implication?

DELLOGROSSO
Heather’s developing pictures. She sees something. Or might have seen something. Perp isn’t taking any chances, takes everything. And her.

BAKER
And Grandpa Joe doesn’t say anything till it’s over.

DELLOGROSSO
Assuming he saw anything.

BAKER
I’m not assuming anything.

DELLOGROSSO
Deputy Baker, I suggest we get to the bottom of this mystery and apprehend the fiend responsible.

BAKER
Deputy Dellogrosso, I think your suggestion is a good one.

The deputies snap their notepads shut and exit.

Lights up, dimly, on the bedroom in the cab of BIG AL’S truck. He and a young lady named VIOLET (21) are naked (except for Violet’s necklace, which has a piece of toast—a straight-up for realz piece of toasted bread—attached), having just had extremely vigorous sex.

BIG AL
Why do you have a piece of toast on your necklace?

VIOLET
Why not?

BIG AL
Seriously?

VIOLET
Yeah. Might as well be like, why did we come back here to this little bedroom? By the way, I absolutely love that you have one of those trucks with the bedroom in the cab, I’ve never been in one before.

BIG AL
Comes in handy sometimes.

VIOLET
Absolutely.

BIG AL
Man. January 29th, 1993. A date that will . . . how’s that quote go?

VIOLET
I don’t know.

BIG AL
You know, now that I get a look at you... you’re little in the middle but you don’t have much back.

VIOLET
Hey, thanks a lot.

BIG AL
I’m just talkin’ about the song.

VIOLET
I know. Big Al.

BIG AL
But you know what I was sayin’ about happy songs when you’re sad, and sad songs when you’re happy?

VIOLET
Yeah, I still don’t get it.

BIG AL
Well. I’m really happy right now.

VIOLET
Oh yeah?

BIG AL
I still want to know why you’re wearing a piece of toast on your necklace.

VIOLET
Same reason I pulled the truck over. Actually, that brings up another thing. Why was I driving your truck?

BIG AL
You said you wanted to.

VIOLET
And there you go.

BIG AL
You really are something else.

VIOLET
What would your wife think? About what we just did?

BIG AL
Thank God I’m never going to find out.

VIOLET
Big secret, huh?

BIG AL
Yeah.

VIOLET
What if I hid your clothes? Stole your truck?

BIG AL
Good thing you’re kidding. You stole my truck I’d be in bigger trouble than my wife.

VIOLET
Oh yeah? What are you carrying in back, something illegal?

BIG AL
Let’s just say it’s something really important.

VIOLET
Who you taking it to? The mafia?

BIG AL
Well. Nah. Not technically. I don’t think.

VIOLET
Well it sounds like you should be careful.

The sound of footsteps trudging through snow can be heard, and gets louder.

BIG AL
What’s that?

And suddenly the sound of banging can be heard on the door of the bedroom compartment. BIG AL is freaked the fuck out. In a flash, VIOLET grabs her clothes, his clothes, spins away from him, and is suddenly holding a gun on a shocked BIG AL.

VIOLET
Don’t move. We’re taking your truck. If you try anything, you die.

BIG AL
You’re making a big fucking mistake.

VIOLET
No, Big Al, you did. You really shouldn’t pick up hitch hikers.

A light comes up on JASON and LINDSAY.

LINDSAY
You all right in there, Violet?

VIOLET
Everything’s cool, Linds.

VIOLET shoots Big Al in the face, almost casually. He dies. She sticks her fingers in her ears and makes a face.

VIOLET (con’t)
Ow.
(to JASON and LINDSAY)
Let's take off. Stop at the next pay phone to call Grandpa Joe and tell him we have his truck.

JASON
You got it!

VIOLET gets dressed. Once she’s dressed, she begins to nibble on the piece of toast around her neck, regarding BIG AL’s dead body dispassionately, still occasionally rubbing her ears and grimacing. Sounds of a truck engine starting. Lights down.

END SCENE


THIRD WRITER: August Schulenburg
Lights up on HEATHER, 17, tied to a chair, groggy, her mouth gagged. GRANDPA JOE enters, as jovial and inscrutable as ever, probably still wearing his “Grandpa Joe’s Pizza—A Slice of Nice!” apron. HEATHER looks up, confused. There is a television on, playing something violent.

GRANDPA JOE
(referencing the television)
Would you look at that. So much violence on the television these days, not to mention those god forsaken video games, I tell you. Why do you think we love watching people get killed so much? Heather?
(HEATHER is still too groggy to answer)
Yeah, I’m not sure either, but I guess we like watching other people get killed cause then we can say, well, wasn’t me, right? Not yet, it wasn’t. Gonna be some day but not to-fucking-day, pardon my salty mouth. I mean, here we are, two wars going on, and as much as we say, “oh no, send the troops home, give a peace a chance” I think part of us, even the god forsaken liberals, part of us likes hearing about all those far away people dying, cause that’s one more death that’s not me, not yet.
And when you think about all the death we watch on television, lord, we got a hunger for that not-me-not-yet! Average kid sees 8,000 murders on television before he graduates ele-fucking-mentary school—that’s a fact—and then plays that grand car theft or what-the-fuck-ever, I’m cursing a lot, sorry about the salt.
Anyway, reason that I have this violence on the television for you, figure you could use some other people dying. Cause I have to tell you, Heather, I don’t know how many not-me-not-yets it takes to make the now-me-right-now all right. When my wife passed, I…
Excuse me, I’m emotional in my old age. They don’t tell you that about getting old, how you turn into a god-forsaken woman with the wailing, and any-fucking-way, the point is, in that other room there—I got Vinny looking at all them pictures of you and Jeffrey together, and if that kid was ever right, those pictures sure gonna make him wrong, and when Jeffrey gets the clues I left him and comes running here; Vinny’s gonna find that nothing will fill his violent mind except putting bullets in the both of you.
My hope, is that he just shoots Jeffrey. I’d like you to live. I’d like you to meet my wife, I do think she’d like you.
(HEATHER is now awake enough to begin screaming into her gag)
Oh, that’s good, thank you, we need Jeffrey to here you, rouse up the hero in that god for-fucking-saken little fool.

Lights shift to the truck. LINDSAY, 30’s, winter clothes, is at the wheel, JASON, 30’s, next to her, shivering in the same. In the back seat, VIOLET, 21, puts small crumbs from her toast necklace reverently into the former truck owner BIG AL’s big dead mouth.

JASON
Ohmigod, it’s really cold.

LINDSAY
Windows are up.

JASON
It’s not coming from the windows, it’s like a draft from the—
(JASON turns to see VIOLET’s crumb ritual)
OK. What’s going on over there, big V?

VIOLET
Crumbs for the crumbs.

JASON
Yeah, totally. Also, what the fuck?

VIOLET
(as if explaining something to a child who should already know better)
The dead can eat a single crumb forever.

JASON
That’s a good point.

LINDSAY
Leave her be, Jas.
JASON
Sure thing, Linds, only—
(back to VIOLET)
Is there a window open back there? Violet, is there a draft or something, it’s freezing up here.

VIOLET laughs with pity at JASON.

VIOLET
Aw. You don’t know, do you?

LINDSAY
Leave her alone, seriously.

JASON
Seriously, she’s freaking me the fuck out.

LINDSAY
Think about tomorrow.

JASON
I want to survive tonight.

LINDSAY
Tell me what we’re gonna do with that money.

JASON
Linds, in case you didn’t notice, behind us is a bat-shit crazy teenager who fucked a truck driver, shot him in the face, and is now feeding him crumbs from her bread necklace.

VIOLET
Toast. It’s a toast necklace.

JASON
Thanks, from her toast necklace.

LINDSAY
Grandpa Joe said to trust her.

JASON
And you trust him?

LINDSAY
I trust he’s going to pay us for what’s in the back.

JASON
And what exactly is in the back?

VIOLET begins singing a lullaby to BIG AL. It continues for awhile, soft and lovely and a little unnerving. The words are not our words.

Oh, perfect, lullaby time.

LINDSAY
Don’t worry about that, tell me about tomorrow.

“Tomorrow” is a ritual story they tell each other about what happens when they have the money. JASON does not want to play.

JASON
Tell me what’s in the back, and I’ll tell you about tomorrow.

LINDSAY
First thing we, before light, we get in the car and start driving, we don’t take one single thing with us but the money, right? I mean, I guess I could take my CDs. We could listen to my CDs as we drive, you love my CDs.

JASON
All right, Linds.

LINDSAY
It’s settled, we’ll bring my CDs, especially the musical theatre ones, we’ll start with Rent, and we’ll sing along-

JASON
We’re not singing along with fucking Rent, as you very well know.

LINDSAY
“How we gonna pay, how we gonna pay-”

JASON
We don’t bring anything, not your CDs, especially not that CD.

LINDSAY
What do we listen to?

JASON
We listen to the radio.

LINDSAY
Old school.

JASON
Whatever it brings us: salsa, country, angry people raving about politics, lonely people raving about sports, polka.

LINDSAY
We don’t know what we’ll find, do we?

JASON
No, we don’t, and that’s what we like. We just drive, and listen to local stations, and when we get hungry, we pull over to that diner surrounded by semis, where the waitress glares at us, and the animals on the wall glare at us, but the pie is like heaven in a crust, and we leave full.

LINDSAY
And then what?

JASON
We keep driving, we find towns that might blow away in a strong breeze, and we stay just long enough for someone to fall in love with us, and then drive away.

LINDSAY
We break their hearts?

JASON
Our hearts break, too, but we’ve got to be moving, the road is calling, and her voice is hoarse.

LINDSAY
Do we see the Grand Canyon?

JASON
We hike the ever loving shit out of the Grand Canyon.

LINDSAY
Sweet!

JASON
We do all the things people say they’re going to do and never do, because we have time, and we have the world, and we have each other.

LINDSAY
We go to dive bars where they play that backwoods shit and girls get knocked up just from slow dancing.

JASON
And we get so drunk the moon doesn’t want to stop watching, it stays night for as long as we stay drinking.

LINDSAY
Drinking and dancing.

JASON
Dancing and drinking, and then we get back in the car and drive drunk but it doesn’t matter cause we’re on one of those roads where there’s nothing but you and the sky, and the sky whisper faster, like a come on.

LINDSAY
And do we go faster?

JASON
Baby, we show the car gears it’s only dreamed of in oil-stained dreams.

LINDSAY
But what happens when we hit the water?

JASON
We keep going, stow away on a boat big enough to cross the ocean but small enough to tempt the waves, and then we-

There is a terrible sound from the back, like claws on metal and a great tail banging against the walls. VIOLET stops singing, looks expectant.

JASON (con’t)
What the fuck was that? Lindsay, what was that?

VIOLET
Our offering has woken Her up.

JASON
Woken who up?

VIOLET
Do you really not know?

LINDSAY
Don’t listen to her, Jason, tell me about the water.

JASON
Yeah, only there seems to be a monster in the fucking truck, so—

VIOLET
It’s not a monster.

JASON
Ok, toast-priestess, then what is it?

VIOLET
It’s—

Lights switch to JEFFREY, 17 but mentally younger, walking in the woods.

JEFFREY
(to the audience)
It’s obvious, right? I mean, like, you can look at me, and like, you immediately know. I just had sex. I smell like sex. I feel like sex. And yet, there I am talking to that lady cop, and she doesn’t say anything about the fact that I’m like, you know oozing sex, literally a little, sorry, and she’s all like, thanks for your cooperation. Aren’t cops supposed to notice stuff like that? Like, I lied to her, and she was all like, “der der, I’m Detective Oblivious, doy doy”.
And Grandpa Joe? He was all like, “Yeah, I’m a weird pizza guy who can’t tell Jeffrey just had sex”. Is it like, when you’re an adult, you just have sex all the time, and so to them, I look normal?
No, cause like my parents don’t have sex all the time, unless they’re really ninja about it, and I don’t know how that’s possible, I mean, it was like, giving birth to an angel out of my…um, yeah that’s weird.
(yelling to the woods)
I’m not a virgin anymore!
(waiting)
No echo. There should be an echo in the woods.
(yelling)
I had sex!
(no echo)
Anyway, the point is, I’m a man now, and if the cop and Grandpa don’t notice that, then they’re too stupid to catch whoever stole Heather. So, I like, totally sleuthed the hell out of the crime scene, there was like, oil, from the get away car, and I followed that to end of that road, and their tracks are all up in the snow, so it’s so wicked easy to track them.
Oh, and I have this.
(JEFFREY pulls out a gun)
Whoa, gunsy gun gun! No, it’s just a BB, but it totally looks real if you put black marker on the tip here. I hope I don’t have to use it, but I might, cause I’m a man now, and men do shit like this, and I know she’s still alive, cause if she was dead….
Well, she’s not dead, and I’m totally gonna save her, and like, how long is the post sex feeling thing supposed to last, cause I’m totally still feeling it, wow, I get it, I get why it’s OK not to be a kid anymore, and have to work and be disappointed like an adult, cause you get to do this. You get to—wait. That voice. Screaming. Heather!

JEFFREY runs off, and BAKER and DELLOGROSSO, two cops who are the kind of cops want to be, emerge from their hiding place.

DELLOGROSSO
Were we ever that young?

BAKER
I was, once. Then the woman I loved was shot three times by Marcos “Dagger Head” Carmenelli when she accidentally crossed in front of the gangster he was trying to rub out. I got old quick.

DELLOGROSSO
Baker, I’m sorry. You never told me about her.

BAKER
We never chased a love-struck teenager through the winter woods before.

DELLOGROSSO
Who do you think’s waiting for him in that house?

BAKER
Vinny, but I bet Grandpa Joe’s the one working the strings.

DELLOGROSSO
Crafty old codger. Should’ve bagged him when we had the chance.

BAKER
Well, if we stop our walk down Bitter Nostalgia Drive and start running, we might still have one.

BAKER and DELLOGROSSO run off, as lights switch to GRANPDA JOE, rousing a weepy eyed VINNY, 17.

GRANDPA JOE
Vinny, he’s here.

VINNY
Who?

GRANDPA JOE
Who do you think, lover boy?

VINNY
Jeffrey?

GRANDPA JOE
First he steals from my pizza joint, then he steals your girl’s virginity.

VINNY
He found us?

GRANDPA JOE
He found us, and he’s got a gun.

VINNY
Oh my God, oh my God.

GRANDPA JOE
(presenting him a gun)
Don’t worry, so do you.

VINNY
Oh my God.

GRANDPA JOE
Don’t be afraid, you need to be a hero, you need to save Heather.

VINNY
I do?

GRANDPA JOE
You see how she looks in these pictures. Look at this expression! Does this look happy to you? Her face all wrinkled, like she’s crying out. And now that monster wants to take her and do it again, unless you stop him.

VINNY
Do you have a sword instead?

GRANDPA JOE
A sword?

VINNY
I use swords in my karate class, we train with them. Our sensai says swords are honorable, like samurai don’t use guns cause they’re not honorable.

The sound of banging on the walls.

GRANDPA JOE
No time for samurai, Vinny, unless you want your girl to be hurt again,

VINNY
(taking the gun)
No.
(standing)
No.

GRANDPA JOE
Then here we go.

Lights rise on JEFFREY, sneaking into the house.

JEFFREY
Here we go, mother f-ers!

Lights rise on the truck, arriving at the house.

LINDSAY
Here we are.

Lights rise on the cops.

BAKER
There he goes.

VIOLET
Now it happens.

JASON
Now what happens?

VINNY
I save Heather.

VINNY exits to fight JEFFREY.

DELLOGROSSO
We save the day, again.

The cops enter after JEFFREY.

GRANDPA JOE
I bring my wife back.

LINDSAY
We get our money and go.

VIOLET
We bring death, to life.

Lights out.

END SCENE


FOURTH WRITER: Carolyn Raship
Everyone is converged around GRANDPA JOE’s house. THE BLUE FAIRY enters. They all, except for VIOLET (age 21), freeze. She continues to feed the corpse of BIG AL crumbs from her toast necklace in the cab of the truck. Lights up on all the characters. THE BLUE FAIRY looks very much like similar characters in English Pantomime. She can be played either by a woman or a man in drag. She is achingly sincere.

THE BLUE FAIRY walks around briefly, looking closely at the players. She kisses VIOLET gently on the cheek as she continues to feed the corpse crumbs and hums a sweet lullaby. THE BLUE FAIRY looks at GRANDPA JOE, shudders and moves on. She stops by the chair to which HEATHER, 17, is tied, pauses, and taps her on the head with her wand. HEATHER immediately awakens, sees THE BLUE FAIRY and resumes struggling wildly and shouting through her gag.

THE BLUE FAIRY
You stupid, stupid child.

Muffled shouting continues.

THE BLUE FAIRY (con’t)
Do you want me to loosen the ropes that bind you?

More muffled shouting.

THE BLUE FAIRY (con’t)
Kindly shut up, Dear. And stop wriggling. I’m attempting to help you and you’re gumming up the works with this behavior.

Increasingly pointed muffled shouting. It may sound something like “Huck Ooo! Huck Ooo!”

T HE BLUE FAIRY (con’d)
You leave me with no choice, I’m sorry to say.

THE BLUE FAIRY taps HEATHER on the head with her wand again. She freezes and the muffled shouting stops. THE BLUE FAIRY turns toward the audience, shields her eyes from the lights and peers out at them. She smiles widely. It’s possible she may have fangs.

THE BLUE FAIRY (con’t)
Good evening, Audience! I must make some brief apologies for interrupting the action in which, I have no doubt, you have been watching with great attention. I’m certain you have many questions you would like answered before the lights go up, you board the Trains either G or L and tuck yourself into your beds for the rest of this long Winter Night. I am the Good Blue Fairy and I’m here to Set Things Right.

She goes back to HEATHER’s chair, removes her gag and unties her. She slumps to the floor. THE BLUE FAIRY taps her on the head a third and final time. HEATHER groggily shakes her head, clearing it, sees THE BLUE FAIRY, and jumps up.

HEATHER
Who the fuck are you, you freaky fucking Glinda looking Bitch?

THE BLUE FAIRY
Now, Heather: Is this how we say thank you for being rescued from a deranged old man and his Kill-billy half-wit chip off the old block GrandSon and their deep, deep plots?

HEATHER
Fuck you, Lady. I’m having the shittiest day, like ever.

THE BLUE FAIRY
Poor, Dear.

HEATHER
Whatever.

THE BLUE FAIRY laughs, seemingly delighted.

THE BLUE FAIRY
Are you fond of your eyeballs? I mean really attached to them?

HEATHER
What’re you talking about?

THE BLUE FAIRY
Sweet Girl, they look exceedingly delicious. And if you continue in expressing this pointed lack of gratitude, I may lose all control and eat them up.

She bares her teeth. HEATHER shudders.

HEATHER
Damn. Look. Sorry.

THE BLUE FAIRY
Sucking out the insides….

HEATHER
Whatever! Thanks. You know.

THE BLUE FAIRY
Inarticulate Poppet!

HEATHER
Like, I mean, really.

THE BLUE FAIRY
Thanks accepted.

THE BLUE FAIRY curtsies. HEATHER spies frozen GRANDPA JOE.

HEATHER
You sick fucker!

She kicks him in the crotch. He doesn’t react.

THE BLUE FAIRY
Delightful Sprite.

THE BLUE FAIRY taps him on the head with her wand. Hard. He shrieks, grabs his nethers, and falls to the floor.

HEATHER
You old creep! You stupid fucking freak! Where’s you’re canned-air huffing badger faced GrandSon?

THE BLUE FAIRY
Oh, don’t worry, Dear, I have all that taken care of.

HEATHER
I hate all y’all! I hate everything!

THE BLUE FAIRY
Vinny is still frozen. He’s right over there.

GRANDPA JOE
MONSTERS! YOU’RE ALL MONSTERS! You stupid little whore! Vinny loves you! And this means nothing to a sorry little tramp like you; I would have allowed you with your alley cat morals and pathetic trashy family of hell spawn to date Vinny, the tenderheartedest sharpshooter in all Christendom. But, NO! You asked for it, didn’t you, you wanted to be the one to bring back the sweetest, most down to earth—Who would miss you? No one, that’s who! You were raised in violence and down into violence you will go—

He begins shouting inarticulately and ripping out is hair. He hugs the frozen VINNY.

GRANDPA JOE (con’t)
What have they done to you? My grandson! My poor dead wife—sso close, SO CLOSE—

HEATHER
(HEATHER is looking out the window)
What’re those two guys doing?

THE BLUE FAIRY
Grandpa Joe, you have sullied the name of the fine Brotherhood of Pizza Makers, what you have done is unforgivable. Your sad machinations and deviltry have made happiness for three young people all but impossible.

HEATHER
Are those cops?

He continues weeping and moaning with all the restraint of Orestes on a particularly bad day.

THE BLUE FAIRY
You have falsely cast blame on a loyal employee and wrongly implanted murderous desires into the breast of your own flesh-

HEATHER
And he fucking KIDNAPPED ME!

GRANDPA JOE
What have you done, you irredeemable Jezebel, YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE—

THE BLUE FAIRY taps him on the head. He freezes.

THE BLUE FAIRY
Enough of that.

HEATHER
Um. I think those are cops out there.

THE BLUE FAIRY
Just one moment, Charming One. They’re not going anywhere.

THE BLUE FAIRY turns back to GRANDPA JOE.

THE BLUE FAIRY (con’t)
You, Old Man, will trouble the world NO MORE! You have involved one of MY OWN in plots that humans have NO BUSINESS being a part of. Flesh turns to wood, skin to bark, fingers to leaves: Take root right here in your living room old man and DO NO MORE HARM!

THE BLUE FAIRY turns GRANDPA JOE into a tree.

THE BLUE FAIRY (con’t)
Now, what Dear?

HEATHER
Cops. And who’s in that truck? Wait, is that Jeffrey. JEFFREY!

THE BLUE FAIRY
Hush, Darling. All will be right; The Blue Fairy will now show her might.

HEATHER
Whatever. I’ll wait here.

THE BLUE FAIRY
Yes, Dear.

HEATHER
Hey, can I set Vinny on fire?

THE BLUE FAIRY
Sweet Child. Maybe later!

HEATHER
Awesome.

THE BLUE FAIRY goes to where the two cops; BAKER and DELLOGROSSO are frozen. She taps each quickly on her head with her wand. They slowly wake, as if from a long sleep.

BAKER
Where are we?

DELLOGROSSO
I had the strangest—

DELLOGROSSO sees THE BLUE FAIRY.

DELLOGROSSO (con’t)
Who are you?

THE BLUE FAIRY
It doesn’t matter who I am. Shoo.

BAKER
What?

THE BLUE FAIRY
Shoo.

BAKER
Huh?

THE BLUE FAIRY
You are retiring to Pensacola. Both of you! You will be very, very happy.

DELLOGROSSO
I don’t think I—

THE BLUE FAIRY
Shoo.

They shrug their shoulders and exit. She walks up to JEFFREY, 17, and takes the gun out of his hand. She taps him on the head with her wand, he wakes with a start.

JEFFREY
HEATHER!

THE BLUE FAIRY
Honey. Calm down.

JEFFREY
But—

THE BLUE FAIRY
She’s fine.

JEFFREY
But, Grandpa Joe.

THE BLUE FAIRY
He’s a tree. She’s fine. I promise.

JEFFREY
Do I look okay?

THE BLUE FAIRY
Charming.

JEFFREY
Just okay. Or is there, like, anything else?

THE BLUE FAIRY
You mean that you just lost your precious tiny little virginity?

JEFFREY
WHO SAID I WAS A VIRGIN?

THE BLUE FAIRY
Dear. Please.

JEFFREY
But I, like, had sex. And everything.

THE BLUE FAIRY
Sweetie. Everybody has sex. Time to move on.

HEATHER comes running out of the house and throws herself at JEFFREY. They make out passionately. In the quiet, you can hear VIOLET singing her strange lullaby to the corpse of BIG AL.

THE BLUE FAIRY
Violet!
(continues to softly sing)

Violet! Is it you at last?

VIOLET
Hello, Mummy. Things have changed, haven’t they?

THE BLUE FAIRY
What are you saying?

VIOLET
Grandpa Joe. You’ve done something to him.

She goes back to feeding toast off her necklace to DEAD BIG AL.

THE BLUE FAIRY
I’ve been searching all the world, Underworld, Overworld, Ohio, and I finally find you, after you were stolen from me by some horrible old woman, STOLEN when you were just a child, SWITCHED for some horrible human baby as if I would never ever notice, and now that I’ve found you, you don’t even CARE. Well, fine. I see bed without supper in someone’s future.

JASON, 30s, and LINDSAY, 30s, are still asleep in the truck’s cab. JEFFREY and HEATHER still make out.

VIOLET
That’s what you think, Mummy. You don’t know anything.

VIOLET giggles disconcertingly and lifts her gun. She shoots both LINDSAY and JASON in the head. HEATHER and JEFFREY look up, shocked.

MALICE
MOOOOMMMMMYYYYYYYY!

VIOLET giggles.

VIOLET
I think it’s happening anyway. Even like with Grandpa Joe being something else.

A noise is heard from the back of the truck. JOE’S WIFE slowly emerges. She is a reanimated corpse. She smells her hands and makes a face.

VIOLET (con’t)
Neat.

MALICE
MOOOOMMMMYYYYYYY!

THE BLUE FAIRY
Oh, by the hand of Zeus. That infernal changeling has followed me all the way here.

HEATHER
Um. What the fuck?

THE BLUE FAIRY
Oh, Precious Poppet. I think Grandpa Joe’s unfortunate spouse has risen from the dead.

GRANDMA JOE starts eating the corpse of BIG AL

HEATHER
Ewwwww.

MALICE
MOOOOMMMMMYYYYYY!

MALICE enters. She is a hunchback.

THE BLUE FAIRY
Oh, Malice. You’ve snapped your chain again, I see.

MALICE throws her arms around the visibly uncomfortable BLUE FAIRY.

VIOLET
It worked.

VIOLET feeds some of her toast necklace to JASON and LINDSAY. BIG AL, with a gigantic lurch, pushes GRANDMA JOE off of him as the corpse reanimates. HEATHER screams and screams. JEFFREY is frozen in a mask of fear. Dead LINDSAY begins to cry.

DEAD LINDSAY
No Tomorrow. There will be no Tomorrow.

DEAD JASON puts his arms around her. He turns on the radio. It softly plays “Seasons of Love” from Rent.

To be continued… will Vinny remain frozen forever, will Heather and Jeffrey still be dating at the end of the night, what are Violet and her reanimated (but oddly sentient) corpses after? What of her changeling foster sister, Malice, and her long lost mother?

END SCENE


FIFTH WRITER: Matthew Freeman
DEAD JASON puts his arms around her. He turns on the radio. It softly plays “Seasons of Love” from Rent.

DEAD LINDSAY looks at DEAD JASON. They kiss in a weird dead way. He turns off the radio. The lights linger on them, and all others fade.

DEAD JASON
Shot in the head.

DEAD LINDSAY
There will be No Tomorrow.

DEAD JASON
How’s that for a kick in the head.

DEAD LINDSAY
No Tomorrow.

DEAD JASON
I thought I was toast until I ate that toast.

DEAD LINDSAY
A kick in the head.

DEAD JASON
I don’t like that song.

DEAD LINDSAY
Seasons of Love.

DEAD JASON
It’s only a bit more current that the first war in Iraq.

DEAD LINDSAY
There will be No Tomorrow.

DEAD JASON
Which in, in retrospect, the armed invasion version of a reasonable discussion over tea.

DEAD LINDSAY
No. Tomorrow.

DEAD JASON
What makes you say that?

DEAD LINDSAY
Well…
(pause)
I’m dead.

DEAD JASON
I think we can agree that proves nothing about tomorrow. Based on, whatever you want to call it. Present company. Present circumstances.
(pause)
I thought we were toast until I ate toast.

DEAD LINDSAY
I heard you.

DEAD JASON
You didn’t laugh.

DEAD LINDSAY
I didn’t think it was funny.
(pause)

DEAD JASON
Technically you’ve got in backwards. There will never not be a tomorrow. That’s what seems more likely. Once you’re dead and then not dead, what do they do to kill you? How many movies are about that? In fact, I think whatever we’ve learned from the undead as a culture has been learned. Like “What do you do in the face of mindless aggression?” “Is a zombie of a loved one still your loved one?” “What sort of violence are you capable of?” Lessons learned. Drama mined. Then again, strictly speaking, and I understand this because I’ve watched a movie or two… it’s not even like we’re zombies. Because we can both talk and think. It’s more like being reborn while rotting.

DEAD LINSDAY
So there will be a tomorrow.

DEAD JASON
Bet your bottom dollar. The real question I have is… what will eventually cause us to lose conscious thought. We both have bullets lodged in our brains, bullets that killed us already, so our ability to converse is either… well… magical or imaginary. Or…

DEAD LINDSAY
A metaphor.

DEAD JASON
For…

DEAD LINDSAY
No, no. Forget it.

DEAD JASON
I’m happy to talk that over.

DEAD LINDSAY
It’s deadly.

DEAD JASON
Well I am dead.

DEAD LINSDAY
That doesn’t make you deadly.

DEAD JASON
Kiss me.

DEAD LINDSAY
I don’t feel like it right now.

DEAD JASON
If we’re going to be undead, imagine all the things we could do to each other.

DEAD LINDSAY
I’m going to miss my family.
(pause)
It was chaos with them all the time. Like that time went to…

DEAD JASON
I think we just agreed we’ll never die.

DEAD LINDSAY
I don’t know. I’m not entirely persuaded by all this. I feel like if you get shot in the head, even if you eat some magical toast and get up for a bit, eventually, you’re going to lie back down and that’ll be it. What are the rules of this magical toast? Does it last as long as Violet as her toast necklace? Once the toast passes naturally through our systems, will we then die?

DEAD JASON
How will it pass through our systems? I don’t think we’re still digesting.

DEAD LINDSAY
Then how did we eat the toast?
(pause)
If we were dead and then we ate the toast, how did we eat it? Was it shoved down our throats? You can’t tell me that toast is going to last until we’re in our grave.

DEAD JASON
We’re already…

DEAD LINDSAY
Listen just because you’ve made up your mind about something doesn’t mean you’ve made up my mind for me. This was always the problem with us. With you, really. You think you come to a conclusion and “poof” it’s like instantly my idea too.

DEAD JASON
I can’t think of a worse time to talk about this. I was just trying to comfort you.

DEAD LINDSAY
Remember when I brought you to meet my mother and you said that thing about her clothes?

DEAD JASON
I don’t want to talk about this. I really don’t. Let’s… how about this?

The rest of the cast (THE BLUE FAIRY, VIOLET, MALICE, GRANDMA JOE AND GRANDPA JOE, HEATHER, BIG AL, JEFFREY and HEATHER) all snap into a chorus position and begin to sing “Seasons of Love” from RENT.

DEAD LINDSAY
Stop it.

They all do.

DEAD LINDSAY (con’t)
First of all, you just said you didn’t like that song.

DEAD JASON
I thought you liked it.

DEAD LINDSAY
I don’t. Did I say I liked it? It was just what was on the radio.

DEAD JASON
I’m sorry.

DEAD LINDSAY
First, I’m shot in the head. Then, brought back to life. Now, I can tell it’s like you never really understood me and if we are immortally dead then… well now I feel like we can’t even break up. It’s like we’re married by a bullet and the only thing that we ever did was get each other’s virginity and go to parties together. Now, look at us.

DEAD JASON
I had no idea you felt this way.

DEAD LINDSAY
That actually makes me feel worse.
(pause)
And since when can you order all those weird people to do things?

DEAD JASON
I really have no idea, to be perfectly honest.

DEAD LINDSAY
The fact is, whatever we’re up to, what this is all about, there’s something going on here that makes me suspicious of it.

DEAD JASON
Why do you have to question everything? You could make anything at all not make sense. For example, we all eat bacon and eggs. But you could rightly say “Eggs are menstrual refuse” and we’d all have to think twice about eggs and why we eat them. But we don’t do that because it’s gross and weird and why question everything? There are people who have spent their whole lives trying to get to the bottom of gravity and let’s face it: if they do, will it change gravity? No. Everyone will go on stuck to the planet just like before.

DEAD LINDSAY
I had a Blue Fairy pillow.

DEAD JASON
This is exactly what I’m talking about. This kind of going on and on about things.

DEAD LINDSAY
I’m going to lie down.
(pause)
I mean why not?

DEAD JASON
Fine.
(pause)
But… look. Look I…
I’m a bit scared and…
Can I lie down with you? Not for you…

DEAD LINDSAY
Yes.

DEAD JASON
For me.

DEAD LINDSAY
Yes.

DEAD JASON
I don’t mean to…

DEAD LINSDAY
I know.

DEAD JASON
And I don’t understand it either.

DEAD LINDSAY
I know. We’re young.

DEAD JASON
Aren’t we?

DEAD LINDSAY
Yes.

She lies down and he lies down holding her.

DEAD LINDSAY (con’t)
There. That’s okay, right?

DEAD JASON
My sister’s name is Violet.

DEAD LINDSAY
I know, Jason.

DEAD JASON
I love you, Lindsay.

She doesn’t answer. Closes her eyes.

DEAD JASON (con’t)
Lindsay?

He looks. She might be asleep or pretending to be. Doesn’t matter.

DEAD JASON (con’t)
Okay. Okay then.

He closes his eyes too.

The lights change. The rest of the cast disappears. LINDSAY and JASON lie dead, alone, holding each other. Two police officers, BAKER and DELLOGROSSO enter.

BAKER
See?

DELLOGROSSO
Did anyone tell Al?

BAKER
I thought you should.

DELLOGROSSO kneels down and gingerly looks at the bodies.

BAKER (con’t)
That’s his daughter right?

DELLOGROSSO
Christ Baker, I think so. It’s actually hard to tell, if you want me to say so. It’s hard to tell.

BAKER
Who’s the kid?

DELLOGROSSO
Jason Turner. Her boyfriend.

BAKER
So are you going to tell Al?

DELLOGROSSO
So this is probably the same person.

BAKER
I know.

DELLOGROSSO
The whole place’s burning down.

BAKER
I know.

DELLOGROSSO
What don’t you know?

BAKER
Well, I don’t read.

DELLOGROSSO
A comforting thought.
(he stands up)
I guess I’ve got to tell Al.

BAKER and DELGROSSO stand over the body of the two dead teens.

END SCENE


SIXTH WRITER: Qui Nguyen
Lights come up on AL, a fast-talking vaguely British scientist. He’s currently working on a gadget.

DELLOGROSSO enters.

DELLOGROSSO
Hello? AL? Can I come in?

AL
Absolutely, officer. Please enter.

DELLOGROSSO
(noticing his digs)
Yo, Al, when’d you become a scientist?

AL
Well, that’s an interesting question, isn’t it? It really depends on your perspective on the Hugh Everett multi-world theorem. To me, I’ve been in this vocation since my youth. To you, however, this revelation may seem quite sudden. Honestly, for all I know, this may be the very first time I’ve even appeared in this reality at all, so it’s all vastly much more complex—yet uniquely more simple—than what you perhaps intended when you first asked me your question.

DELLOGROSSO
...

AL
So what is it I can do for you today, Officer?

DELLOGROSSO
You may want to sit down for this, Al. It’s your kid. Lindsay. She’s um... well, we found her. She’s dead, Al.

AL
My word.

DELLOGROSSO
I’m sorry.

AL
How are you taking this?

DELLOGROSSO
I’m okay, I guess.

AL
This must be very traumatizing for you. Please, have a drink. Let me just say, if you need anything—anything at all—please don’t hesitate to ask. I’m here to help you.

DELLOGROSSO
Thanks.
I mean what?
No, Al, I’m here to help you.

AL
Help me do what?

DELLOGROSSO
Grieve.

AL
Why would I do that?

DELLOGROSSO
Your daughter—

AL
Oh right. My daughter. Whom I care about dearly has just perished. You’re quite right, I’m very distraught.
(insincerely)
Oh my. She’s gone, she’s /gone, she’s oh so—

DELLOGROSSO
(sitting down)
Are you going to be—

AL
DON’T SIT ON THAT, YOU IGNORANT TWIT!

DELLOGROSSO
What!?!

AL
Oh my God, this could have been horrific.

DELLOGROSSO
More horrific than losing your daughter?

AL
Oh, right. My daughter. Yes, in comparison to losing my oldest... err, youngest... err, only daughter? Yes, in comparison to losing my only daughter, having you sit on and crush my only cross-dimensional-reality-traverser would have been—OH WHO AM I KIDDING? If you would have broken this, I would have been completely screwed. Thank god I have the reflexes of young Steve Guttenberg.

DELLOGROSSO
Al, why are you acting so weird? And when did you become British? Ain’t you from Hobokon?

AL
Why am I acting so weird? Why is the world acting so weird? Have you not noticed it? The shifts in reality, the incongruous paradigm, the lack of continuity in individual personalities?

DELLOGROSSO
Yeah, it has been a pretty strange day.

AL
Well, there’s a reason for all that.

DELLOGROSSO
There is?

AL
Yes, the truth is, officer—and the only reason why I’m revealing this to you in this moment is because I don’t plan on staying on this dimensional plane much longer—the truth is... I’m a time traveler.

DELLOGROSSO
Al, are you drunk?

AL
Do you not know what I’m referring to when I say “time travel”? Is there not time-travel films in this reality? Back to the Future? Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure? The Godfather?

DELLOGROSSO
The Godfather wasn’t a time-travel movie.

AL
The greatest film of all time? Please! Of course it was. It’s unfortunate that Godfather 2: Electric Trans-dimensional Fortress Bugaloo didn’t fare as well. I’ve always had soft spot for movies about intergalactic incest.

DELLOGROSSO
What?

AL
This must be a lot to take in. Look, the reason why reality keeps bending and changing is because, well, I keep fucking with it.

DELLOGROSSO
What? Why?

AL
Well, theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, I stepped into my Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished. I woke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not my own, and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. And so I find myself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that my next leap will be the leap home.

DELLOGROSSO
Wait! So you’re telling me you’re trying to right something that went wrong thru time travel?

AL
Exactly. The short of it all is I keep jumping back into the past to try to correct everything, but I keep mucking up reality even worse. For example, I just went back to 1999 to keep my hippie university roommates from voting for Nader and just returned to discover the birth of the Tea Party movement. The fuck is that? No matter how hard I try to fix one thing, I inevitably create a new paradigm of escalating chaos. Reality keeps shifting because butterflies are getting squashed each time I traverse the multiverse. As for this Lindsay person, unfortunately in my original timeline I have no daughter. Does she mean something to you though, Officer?

DELLOGROSSO
Well, now I don’t know. I mean I guess she could. According to what you’re saying, I could have been in love with her yesterday, but not today. Or she could’ve been my daughter instead of yours or not exist at all. Hell, I might not have existed yesterday. This is crazy.
Wait, no, this is ACTUALLY crazy.
Why am I even listening to you? You’re nuts. I should bring you to a shrink.

AL
That’s why I’m trying to fix it all.

DELLOGROSSO
(referring to all of AL’s worktable full of gadgets)
How long have you been doing this?

AL
How long have I been doing this?
Well, that’s hard to explain.

DELLOGROSSO
I can imagine.

AL
Close your eyes.

DELLOGROSSO
What?

AL
Close your eyes. Think of your dreams. Think of all the scenarios that race through your brain every night. Well, what if I told you that those weren’t fantasies, Officer? But memories. Even the nightmares with zombies and monsters and musical numbers, all of them memories of alternative realities you once inhabited. Lovers you never met, relationships that never ended, kisses you didn’t take, every avenue your life could have taken exists. Every one of them as real as the one you exist in right now. In some small way, I’ve been the cause of all those. So I guess what I’m saying is I’ve been doing this for a very, very long time.

DELLOGROSSO
All of it’s real? Even the one where I get it on with my 10th grade science teacher.

AL
Even that one. Butterflies, office. Butterflies. That’s what makes the time-stream so equally beautiful and fragile. What you perceive as mundane and real is literally someone else’s dream and what may be your greatest fantasy may be another’s absolute nightmare.

DELLOGROSSO
If that’s the case, what are you trying to fix exactly?

AL
Honestly, I don’t remember anymore. But I have faith that I’ll know as soon as I get it done.

DELLOGROSSO
So you ain’t the Al I know?

AL
I’m a version of him.

DELLOGROSSO
The Al I knew was just some guy. You’re saying Al is capable of all this.

AL
We’re all capable of greatness, Officer. Even you.

DELLOGROSSO
Right.

AL
Don’t believe me?

DELLOGROSSO
I’m just a cop. Dumb one at that. Especially if I’m willing to humor any of this.

AL
Do you want to help me?

DELLOGROSSO
What? How?

AL
Come with me. I’ve been traveling through time alone for so long that a bit of company would do me well.

DELLOGROSSO
Al, you’re nuts. Maybe you really don’t give a damn about your kid anymore or maybe this is just some fucked up way of coping with what I just told you, but regardless of either, I still got a job to do. I’m gonna solve Lindsay’s case whether you care or not.

AL
Right. Her case. One moment.

AL opens his computer and types into it. LINDSAY enters.

LINDSAY
Hi, officer Dellogrosso! How are you?

DELLOGROSSO
Lindsay? How?

AL
Just wrote a note to myself to go back and get Lindsay before all this happened. She may be a bit different than you remember due to the fact that there’s no telling which timeline I pulled her from, but she’s here. Not dead. Case closed.

DELLOGROSSO
What about Jason Turner?

LINDSAY
Who’s Jason Turner?

DELLOGROSSO
You don’t know Jason?

AL
As I said, Officer. Butterflies. Squashed.

DELLOGROSSO
Hi Lindsay. How are you feeling?

LINDSAY
I’m feeling fine. Why is he looking at me like that, dad?

AL
It’s because Officer Dellogrosso has just agreed to accompany me on my next time travel expedition.

LINDSAY
Really? Can I come too? Please?

AL
I can’t see why not.

DELLOGROSSO
Wait. So this is real?

AL
I did just pull my “daughter” out from the grave, didn’t I?
So are you coming with us or not?

DELLOGROSSO
You’re serious.

AL
Dead serious, Officer. Will you come?

DELLOGROSSO
I guess I gotta say... yes.

AL
Good. So where to first?

DELLOGROSSO
Um, I’ve always wanted to see the past.

LINDSAY
I want to see the future.

DELLOGROSSO
I always wanted to know if there was indeed a second gunman.

LINDSAY
Or what would happen if we actually did achieve completely converting to clean fuel?

DELLOGROSSO
Or what would happen if Lincoln woulda lived? Or King? Or X?

LINDSAY
And what happens to us after 2012?

DELLOGROSSO
What would happen if the terrorists failed?

LINDSAY
Will there still be books?

DELLOGROSSO
What if there was never the internet?

LINDSAY
What if we were all connected all the time through our minds?

DELLOGROSSO
What if John Lennon lived?

LINDSAY
What comes after the iPad?

DELLOGROSSO
What comes after I die?

LINDSAY
What was life before I lived?

DELLOGROSSO
What if my parents stayed together?

LINDSAY
What if no one ever died ever?

DELLOGROSSO
I get to see my children old.

LINDSAY
I get to see my parents young.

DELLOGROSSO
I get to see it all.

LINDSAY
Me too.

DELLOGROSSO
Al, what do you want?

AL
It doesn’t matter really. I’m pretty content right now. In the now.

DELLOGROSSO
Let’s go, then.

LINDSAY
Ew, gross, cobwebs!

AL
You’re a dainty one.

LINDSAY
At least I’m not a dead one.

DELLOGROSSO
Not anymore anyways.

Music begins to play.

AL, LINDSAY, & DELLOGROSSO
(singing)
FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED MINUTES
FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND MOMENTS SO DEAR
FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED MINUTES
HOW DO YOU MEASURE, MEASURE A YEAR?
IN DAYLIGHTS, IN SUNSETS
IN MIDNIGHTS, IN CUPS OF COFFEE
IN INCHES, IN MILES,
IN LAUGHTER, IN STRIFE
IN FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED MINUTES
HOW DO YOU MEASURE, A YEAR IN THE LIFE?

The rest of the cast enter and sing.

COMPANY
HOW ABOUT LOVE?
HOW ABOUT LOVE?
HOW ABOUT LOVE?
MEASURE IN LOVE
SEASONS OF LOVE
SEASONS OF LOVE

Lights go down.

END OF PLAY

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