FIRST WRITER: Jeff Lewonczyk

Scene One

A small American town in the middle of the 20th Century. Darkness. After a moment of stillness, someone begins furiously knocking on a door, accompanied by a hysterical voice.

VOICE (SADIE)
Dr. Fletcher!

More knocking.

VOICE (SADIE)
Dr. Fletcher! Dr. Fletcher! Are you awake? It’s an emergency!

The knocking becomes ever more furious, until a light is switched on to reveal a home doctor’s office. An examination table sits in the center of the room, and the walls are lined with cabinets and medical equipment. An old man wearing pajamas, bleary-eyed, staggers towards the door, pulling on a lab coat.

VOICE (SADIE)
Wake up, Dr. Fletcher—please, wake up!

DR FLETCHER finally makes it to the door and opens it. SADIE, a smartly but modestly dressed woman in her 30s, spills into the room, on the verge of tears.

SADIE
Oh, Dr. Fletcher, thank god you’re up. It’s a tragedy, it’s worse than a tragedy—if there even is such a thing. A catastrophe. Devastation! We need you, Dr. Fletcher—we need you like we’ve never needed you before. Is there a chair? I need a chair. I’ve never needed to sit so badly in my life….

DR FLETCHER pulls over a chair and helps the distraught SADIE sink into it.

SADIE
You spend years expecting such a thing to happen, but when it does you’re completely unprepared. I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, but Mother—we hardly know what we’re going to do. She’s… well, things will never be the same, that’s clear enough. “Things will never be the same”—amazing how we still reach for clichés even in our darkest moments. I’d laugh if I could. Spencer is outside right now, with... Oh, Dr. Fletcher…

SADIE falls against DR FLETCHER and weeps profusely into his pajamas.

SADIE
I feel so terrible! I know, I know—you’ve done so much over the years to forestall this, but it was inevitable, you knew it even better than we did. We’ve asked so much of you, but this is the last time—obviously, the last time—we’ll… oh!

Footsteps. At the door appears SPENCER, a hulking man carrying in his arms something very small wrapped in a long, flowing white sheet. He stands there, bleakly, calmly horrified. Upon seeing SPENCER, SADIE once again surrenders to tears.

SPENCER
She’s gone, Dr. Fletcher. We tried to save her—but she’s gone. Gone forever.

SADIE continues to weep as DR FLETCHER goes to SPENCER, takes the bundle from his hands, and goes to place it tenderly on the examination table. He slowly, carefully begins to unwrap it. SADIE’s weeping redoubles, and SPENCER goes to her—she leans hard into him as he absently strokes her hair. When DR FLETCHER finishes unraveling the bundle, he steps aside to reveal a compact, bloody mess, with white hair sticking out of it at various places.

SPENCER
Mother doesn’t know. She’s sleeping. She didn’t hear a thing.

SADIE bursts away from SPENCER and grabs DR FLETCHER by the arms.

SADIE
You have to make it look like she went peacefully. More delicate in death than she ever was in life. Whatever happens, we can’t let Mother see her like this!

SPENCER
We can stall until noon tomorrow. But it has to be done by then, Dr. Fletcher. It’s bad enough that Mother will have to say goodbye to her little Piper. But if she sees her like this—well, we’ll probably have to say goodbye to Mother too.

SADIE goes back to weeping as DR FLETCHER stares at the body.

Scene Two

A tavern in the same small American town. BEN, who is drunk, is leaning against the bar, staring cockeyed at a drink as MERKEL, the bartender, looks on.

BEN
You’re an ass, Merkel. Two fat cheeks with a pucker in the middle. Who told you, you could tend a bar?

MERKEL
The Bartending Academy of Warburton County, that’s who.

BEN
Wait, how old are you? I bet you learned the trade during Prohibition, didn’t you? No wonder you can’t mix a goddamn drink. When all you have is bathtub whiskey and a glass, you don’t need to bother with finesse.

MERKEL
You’re lucky you tip well, Ben, because your mouth on its own would get you banned from this place.

BEN
Hell, getting banned would be a privilege. I’d finally have a reason to get my life together.

MERKEL
With the amount you knock back, I don’t understand how you have a life at all, even a mess like yours.

BEN
I’m in this town for the same reason I’m in this tavern, Merkel—slumming. What’s the point of working for a big city newspaper? You work your ass off, and there’s always someone waiting to kick it the second you bend over. But out here… who the hell cares? So long as I don’t publish outright libel, I don’t have to do a goddamn thing but keep the yokels plied with gossip, which is easier than breathing. Same with this bar—so long as my money’s good, I can say whatever the fuck I want. You’re a scrotum, Merkel. Pour me another.

As MERKEL pours BEN’s next drink, IRMA walks in. A sophisticated-looking woman, she nonetheless looks utterly dazed.

MERKEL
(noticing her)
What can I get you, lady?

BEN
Allow me to recommend the urinetini. Genuine human piss beats the hell out of the poison he stocks behind the bar.

MERKEL
Never mind him. What can I get you?

IRMA
Gin, please. Straight.

BEN
I’m only going to say this because you look like a sophisticated lady and I assume you’re just passing through: Run. Like hell. There’s nothing for you here. Get in your car and put your pump on the pedal and scram. Before it’s too late.

IRMA
(as MERKEL hands her a drink)
That’s exactly what got me in trouble in the first place.

MERKEL
Trouble? What do you mean trouble?

IRMA knocks back her drink in one gulp.

IRMA
You’re right that I’m from out of town. Passing through. I was… in a hurry. I drove recklessly, and something small—some kind of creature or other—ran out in front of my car from the lawn in front of a grand house. I tried to swerve out of the way, but I hit it before veering into a tree. I was about to get out and see if what kind of damage there was, but people started running out of the house, screaming like… I’d never heard screaming like that in my life. I know that some people are fond of animals, but… I just took off again. I drove as fast as I could, but the car needs a repair if I’m to go any further. At least one of the men was able to chase me a quarter-mile down the road. I was shaken. I’ll have a double this time.

BEN
This one’s on me, Merkel.

MERKEL goes to get it.

BEN
So you’ve never been in this town before, am I right?

IRMA
Yes.

BEN
And do you live in the area at all?

IRMA
No. I’m from… out of state.

BEN
So is it safe to assume you’ve never heard of weird old Mrs. Victoria McKenzie, the richest woman in Warburton County?

IRMA
I’ve never even heard of Warburton County.

BEN
And the thing you hit—did you get a good look at it? A real good look?

IRMA
Not especially. It was too big for a cat, but it didn’t move like a dog.

BEN
Merkel, I knew there was a reason I hung out in this shithole. Two more doubles.

MERKEL
You be careful, Ben.

BEN
Why start now. What’s your name, lady?

IRMA
(thinks for a moment too long)
… Irma. Irma… Beauregarde.

BEN
Irma—sure, whatever. I’m Ben Asbury. I’d like you to join me in a toast.

IRMA
I really shouldn’t…

MERKEL hands them the drinks.

BEN
It’s not like you’re going anywhere. Tomorrow’s Sunday, and the garage is closed.

IRMA
Oh. Oh. Is there a taxi service, or a bus?

BEN
There’s a bus to Unionville, but it only runs once on Sundays—3pm. I’ll drive you to the new motel on the edge of town, and you can sleep until two.

IRMA
Maybe, in the morning, there’s a garage open in the next town you can drive me to?

BEN
Lady—Irma—we just met. Before making promises, let’s see how well we get along together.

IRMA
Very well.

BEN
(raises his glass)
So, a toast: To the last nail in the old bitch’s coffin.

BEN takes downs his shot and slams the glass on the table. After watching him, IRMA, much more gracefully, drains her own glass and sighs. MERKEL shakes his head ruefully.

Scene Three

Morning. A kitchen. HELEN, a cook, is fussing over a pot, adding pinches of a wide variety of ingredients.

HELEN
Fennel… ginger… flaxseed… hawthorne… sage… turmeric… garlic… rosemary…

ADA, a bright and vivacious young maid, enters.

ADA
Dump it, Helen. Just tip it over and dump it out.

HELEN
And why on earth would I do a thing like that?

ADA
The epoch of ambitious breakfast has come to a close.

HELEN
Why do you talk to me like that? You know I’m half an idiot.

ADA
(sitting down in a nearby chair and lighting a cigarette)
No, but I know you’re too lazy to bother keeping up. Let me put it this way: You’re cooking strictly for people from now on.

HELEN
What? No!

ADA
It’s true.

HELEN
But what happened?

ADA
I’m not entirely sure—something with a car in the middle of the night. Wilson and Fratelli and Mr. Spencer were all out in the yard. It was all very peculiar. I haven’t had a chance to talk with Fratelli yet, otherwise I’m sure I’d be able to wring it out of him.

HELEN
I don’t like that Fratelli—he’s a communist, I tell you. They’ll find him one of these days, and they’ll round him up with all the others.

ADA
Oh Helen, as far as you’re concerned anyone with bushy eyebrows is a communist. Anyway, the damn thing’s dead.

HELEN
Miss Ada, mind your tongue in my kitchen! Does Mrs. McKenzie know?

ADA
Do you think I’d be in here smoking a cigarette if Mrs. McKenzie were awake and aware?

HELEN
I don’t want to be there when she finds out. I always knew it would come to a bad end. It wasn’t proper for a respectable woman like Mrs. McKenzie to have such an unnatural attachment to that… that...

ADA
The tail was wagging the dowager, if you’ll forgive a quip.

HELEN
I never liked when it came in here. I had to be nice, but I’ll be honest, I hated to look in its eyes. Little beads of hellfire, I don’t mind saying now that I won’t have to see them again.

ADA
The worst part was trying to keep it away from guests. Acting like this was a normal household, while they sat in the dining room, slurping their bisque. They all knew, of course—maybe not the details, but they knew something. A woman as well-known as Mrs. McKenzie can’t have secrets, but she can muddy things up a bit. Well, now the only thing left to hide is how crazy she is—and that’s no secret.

HELEN
Oh, this day is cursed—I could see it as soon as I went to bed last night. I saw a new stain on the wallpaper that looked like devil horns, and I said, Helen, an ill wind is blowing on this house.

ADA
You’re so amusing, Helen—I really do love these little visits.

HELEN
Did they… did they bury it yet?

SPENCER enters, holding a much more delicately wrapped bundle than the one he held the previous night. He clearly hasn’t slept.

HELEN
Spencer! You scared the life out of me!

ADA rushes over to hold the door open for SPENCER. He staggers in and places the carefully wrapped bundle on the kitchen table.

SECOND WRITER: Johnna Adams

SADIE and Dr. FLETCHER follow him into the kitchen. SPENCER, SADIE and DR. FLETCHER are all wearing yellow plastic gloves.

ADA
Morning, Miss. Dr. Fletcher.
 
SADIE
Ada. Helen. You know about what happened to it? The accident?
 
HELEN
Was it hit by a car, Miss?
 
SADIE
Yes. Spencer chased the car for a quarter of a mile, but the driver never stopped. So we don’t know what she saw.
 
SPENCER
God help us if she figured out what it is.
 
DR. FLETCHER.
Was. It’s dead.

HELEN
Oh, what a relief! Are you sure, Dr. Fletcher?
 
DR. FLETCHER
I’m sure, Helen. I used my radiation measuring device and the radioactive polonium count is falling.
 
ADA
That’s it then? It’s so small?
 
SPENCER
It’s shrinking.
 
DR. FLETCHER
To be precise, it’s changing.
 
HELEN
Unholy, unnatural thing! The wallpaper is growing devil horns and this thing’s transforming itself into something worse than before. Evil is squirming along the walls of the house.
 
DR. FLETCHER
The carcass is changing, that’s all. I’m sure it isn’t coming back to life, Helen. That would be scientifically impossible after all. I don’t know what sort of local mythology has built up around Piper here—
 
SADIE
Soul Piper, Dr. Fletcher. That’s what Mother calls it. Called it.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Well, I’ve examined it—Soul Piper. There’s nothing to worry about. Aside from a few irregularities on a genetic level, the strange radioactive emissions and the sulfur and brimstone smell that was so inexplicable, it’s a perfectly normal—

ADA
It was a mutant?
 
HELEN
It was not. We all know what that god-forsaken thing was! It was a—
 
DR. FLETCHER
No, Helen. That’s crazy. I’ve seen the body. I dissected parts of it.
 
SADIE
Who cares what it was! It’s dead! We’re free of it! The house, the town, the world is free of this thing! We don’t have to be afraid every minute that violent peasant are going to storm this house with pitchforks!  Helen, you don’t have to prepare those strange elixirs for it, with the herbs and animal urine. You’re a normal cook in a normal house. Ada no more scrubbing those green and burgundy stains off the walls.
 
ADA
Thank heavens, Miss!
 
SADIE
It’s wonderful. It’s simply wonderful. I can go to nursing school now and come and work in your office, Dr. Fletcher. Like I’ve always dreamed! Mother says that nursing is a perfectly respectable job for a upper class young woman like myself. She was a riveter during War World II herself. And President Eisenhower told her, when she went to that fundraiser and he lured her into a cloak room and made a pass at her, that he doesn’t think there’s a stigma attached to a working woman and leans toward the belief that women should be sexually liberated. Maybe I can move into your house so that I’m available to you whenever you like.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Uh.... Well, that’s one thought. But the world is your raw oyster now, kiddo. No sense in throwing it into the first frying pan you see.
 
SADIE
What are you saying?
 
DR. FLETCHER
Maybe we should break the news to your mother. She’s going to be devastated.
 
SPENCER
It was unnatural. What Mrs. McKenzie did with it every night. The sound it made when it ran itself over her body like a weasel and left those shining trails of slime that she would lick off. Lick with hunger. The way it squeezed her neck and stuck those little tongues on the side of it’s neck in her ears.. She had no business taking it to bed at all. And then she’d walk it in the garden until the lights came. Until it started building that thing in the basement made of mouse bones and electrical wires and clockwork—and she wore it. She wore the thing it made like a helmet. And it gave her those strange thoughts—so different from her ordinary thoughts. So sly. She had no business becoming what it wanted her to become.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Well put, Spencer. We have to hope whatever evil process Soul Piper started died with it.
 
HELEN
Dr. Fletcher! It’s moving.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Changing again. Damnit.
 
SADIE
It’s getting bigger! It’s growing new arms! What’s happening? You said it was dead!
 
DR. FLETCHER
We’d better hit it in the head with a mallet. Just to make sure. Spencer?
 
SPENCER takes a mallet from a shelf.
 
SADIE
You’re sure this is a good idea?
 
DR. FLETCHER
Yes. Absolutely. I’m a medical doctor. Whatever this thing is, wherever it came from it must answer to the laws of biology! Or humanity is doomed. Spencer, please.
 
Blackout. We hear the thud of the mallet hitting the body in the dark.
 
Scene Four

Mrs. McKenzie’s basement. A window breaks. BEN and IRMA enter. BEN has a cloth wrapped around his hand.

IRMA
I’m not comfortable just breaking in like this.
 
BEN
I’m a newsman. This is a story. And they aren’t just going to let us walk in the front door. Victoria McKenzie and her daughter and all their overpaid servants are hiding something, lady. They’ve been hiding something for more than twenty years in this house. And we’re going to find out what.
 
IRMA
I don’t care what. I just want to speak to the woman’s whose dog I hit with my car, then get the car fixed when the garage opens on Monday. And then get the hell out of Warburton County. This place gives me the creeps.
 
BEN
It wasn’t a dog.
 
IRMA
It had to have been a dog. It didn’t move like one, but it was dog-shaped. Sort of. It tried to bite my radio antennae off as it rolled off the fender of my car.
 
BEN
Yeah. Communication equipment disappears a lot in this town.
 
IRMA
I shouldn’t have driven off like that. I should have stopped and talked to the guy who chased my car all that way. But he was a giant of a man. Hulking. Brutish. He scared me.
 
BEN
That’s her chauffer, Spencer. Rumors have it that he escaped from a mental hospital for the criminally insane. She manages to keep him silent by threatening to send him back if he talks about the thing. They all have secrets in this house. The cook’s a murderess. The parlor maid’s a werewolf—
 
IRMA
Now you’re just pulling my leg, Mr. Asbury.
 
BEN
Warburton County is like no place you’ve ever been, Miss Beauregarde. If that’s your real name.
 
IRMA
It’s not.
 
BEN
Twenty years that thing’s been hiding in this house. No one sees it, no one is sure it exists. But then you show up and – boom—hit it with your car. A thing that’s never run out the front door of this place in all that time. Describe the antennae that it was trying to get, Miss Beauregarde. You said it was for a radio?
 
IRMA
Am I your story, or is Mrs. McKenzie’s thing your story?
 
BEN
You’re both my story. It’s a big story.
 
VICTORIA MCKENZIE enters wearing a strange helmet made of mouse bones, electrical wires and clockwork. It is ticking and revolving on her head.

VICTORIA
May I help you?
 
BEN
Jesus Christ! Oh, God!
 
IRMA
What is that on her head? My God!
 
VICTORIA
I’m looking for my albiferbakhan. Have you seen it? It’s gotten loose. I’m afraid it’s gone slimertarin. I’ve been searching the garuhnruhnharborkor, but it’s not there. We sent a thizerwhistle to Lunguuniferst yesterday afternoon. So I’m expecting a grogwharit from the great Formissle and the council of the Revolvergorgons. But it hasn’t come. My albiferbakhan doesn’t do things like this. He doesn’t disappear. His name is Soul Piper. That’s a literal translation of albiferbakhan, of course. My mutaktak helmet is giving me strange thoughts just now. I’m sorry. I’ve lost myself in hobbleebogerk. Who are you?
 
IRMA
(aside to BEN)
What’s she talking about?
 
BEN
That’s just how the old biddy talks. I told you. She’s weird....
(to VICTORIA) 
Mrs. McKenzie. I’m very sorry, but I have send news about Soul Piper. Uh, your albiferbakhan.
 
VICTORIA
What?
 
BEN
I’m afraid it has gone slimertarin.
 
VICTORIA
No! No! It can’t have. When I went to sleep it was fine! Who are you??
 
BEN
I’m Ben Abury. I’m a reporter with the Warbuton Statesman.
 
IRMA
And I, Mrs. McKenzie am the one who made your albiferbakhan go slimertarin. I hit it with my car.
 
VICTORIA
Are you sure it’s slimertarin and not just doothtayhelldende?
 
IRMA
It’s definitely slimertarin and not doothtayhelldende.
 
BEN
(aside to IRMA)
How do you know that?
 
IRMA
(aside to BEN)
I don’t. Fifty-fifty chance.
(To VICTORIA)
Mrs. McKenzie, are you sure that the thizerwhistle you sent to Lunguuniferst yesterday actually reached the great Formissle and the council of the Revolvergorgons?
 
VICTORIA
Why would you ask that?
 
BEN
How the hell did you understand her well enough to ask that??
 
IRMA
I haven’t been entirely honest with you about who I am, Mr. Asbury.
 
We hear pounding footsteps coming down the stairs.
 
VOICE (SADIE)
Mother! Mother! Oh, god, Mother!
 
SADIE burst in, a crying, hysterical mess.

SADIE (con’t)
Mother! The thing! The thing! It got killed last night! And I took it to Dr. Fletcher and he—he said it was dead. But it wasn’t! It wasn’t!! Oh, god, mother! You have to come! We brought it home and put it in the kitchen and it started changing and he—Dr. Fletcher—oh, god, poor, poor Dr. Fletcher—said to hit it with a mallet!
 
IRMA
Shit. It wasn’t slimertarin! Goddamnit. It was doothtayhelldende after all!
 
VICTORIA
It sounds like it was doothtayhelldende. What happened then?
 
SADIE
It changed into this blob and it flew at Dr. Fletcher’s face and rushed inside his nose and eyes and ears like goo. And then it got inside him, and you could see the goo traveling in a great mass through his body, down to his toes. And then it changed him!! Mother, it changed Dr. Fletcher into something horrible.
 
IRMA
It changed him into a thormastyn.
 
VICTORIA
He’s a thormastyn! My lovely is a thormastyn! Soul Piper! I’m coming to you!
 
VICTORIA runs off.  SADIE follows her, sobbing and wailing. IRMA goes to follow and BEN stops her.

BEN
You have some explaining to do, Miss Beauregarde—or whoever you are.
 
IRMA
Let me go after them or the entire planet is in jeopardy, Mr. Asbury. And you’ll miss out on the story of the millennia!
 
BEN
I’m a reporter, lady. I’m also a scared, quivering herring fish twisting in the wind here. But I’m a reporter first. Let’s do it.

They follow VICTORIA and SADIE.

END SCENE


THIRD WRITER: Art Wallace

Scene Five

The Kitchen. DOCTOR FLETCHER is tied to a chair. SPENCER stands by with the mallet. ADA and HELEN stand around drinking tea.
 
HELEN
I say we fuckin’ kill it!
 
SPENCER raises the mallet.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Now hold on just a minute.
 
SPENCER
I agree, I’m not sure.
 
HELEN
I’m sure, okay? Dr. Fletcher is in there with that thing so he’s as good as dead.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Wait! What about electric shock? We can drive it out of my body and you can catch it in some kind of cup device.
 
ADA
That could be the Soul thing talking, it might like electricity.
 
SPENCER resets is grip on the mallet.
 
SPENCER
I think I agree.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Agree with what?
 
SPENCER
You might like the electricity.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Spencer it’s me Dr. Fletcher. I sewed your thumb up when you cut it on the screen door.
 
SPENCER
Thank you sir, but that does not change...
 
HELEN
Don’t listen to him Spencer! Just kill that fucker!
 
SPENCER
I’m not listening to him. I just said...
 
DR. FLETCHER
Everyone please! Let’s think this through. Spencer, if you kill me what will you tell the police?
 
SPENCER
You had a monster in you.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Do you think they will believe you?
 
ADA
It’s trying to trick you again. Kill it!
 
HELEN
Kill that fucker!
 
DR. FLETCHER
Wait I have something to say. When I was just a boy I always dreamed of being a singer.
(DR.FLETCHER sings atonal to no particular rhythm)
In the night of love I see your eyes
There is love and your eyes of love
For that is all I see tonight
My sweet eyed lover of the night.
 
HELEN
You’re just making shit up.
 
ADA
That’s not even a song! It sucks! It sounds like a song a monster would sing. A monster who doesn’t understand love.
 
HELEN
Or the night, or eyes.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Spencer did you ever dream of something you wanted to be as a child?
 
Long pause.
 
SPENCER
Yes.
 
DR. FLETCHER
What was it? What was your dream Spencer? As a child?
 
SPENCER
To sing.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Did you have a song you wanted to sing? A particular song?
 
HELEN
This is the most obvious attempt to keep from getting killed ever.
 
DR.FLETCHER
Oh really? Do you think so? I would submit that all of life is a desperate attempt to keep from being killed!
 
SPENCER
(sings)
Well I’m a knick knack wacky comin’ down the line.
I do what I want most all the time
A-wick wacky
A-knick knacky wacky alright
A chicka chick chack cracky...
 
ADA
Spencer stop it! That song is terrible! I hate it! I hate it!
 
SPENCER
It was my dream.
 
HELEN
I remember that song. I liked that song.
 
HELEN begins to sing and SPENCER joins in with her. As they get further into the song they start doing the associated "Wick Wacky" dance moves that they remember as children.
 
HELEN (con’t)
Well I’m a knick knack wacky comin’ down the line.
I do what I want most all the time
A-wick wacky
A-knick knacky wacky alright
A chicka chick chack cracky.
Mt friends all say I'm flood but my name is really mud
Eat a snacky
In my tum tum tummy a  roo...
 
DR. FLETCHER
Ok that's it!  I don't care if you kill me just stop singing that goddamned song!
 
ADA
It is you Dr. Fletcher!
 
HELEN
Don't you see, he's trying to drive a wedge between us using Wick Wacky.
 
SPENCER
I’m so confused! I just want to know what to do!
 
DR. FLETCHER
Or not do. You can also choose inaction.
 
ADA
If there is a chance lets try the electricity. Spencer can always hit him with the mallet if it doesn't work.
 
SPENCER
I agree.
 
DR. FLETCHER
With what? With what do you agree?
 
SPENCER
With the electricity idea. I’m going to go and cut the end off of an extension wire.
 
SPENCER hands the mallet to HELEN and exits. HELEN holds the mallet up ready to strike.
 
DR.FLETCHER
You’re going to need something to keep it in. To catch it.
 
ADA
What?
 
DR. FLETCHER
If the electricity works this thing will most likely come out the way it went in, through soft tissues of the face. You need to have something to catch it in. With a lid.
 
ADA
Well of course it has to have a lid, I’m not an idiot.
 
DR.FLETCHER
I didn’t mean to imply... Okay look I’m sorry for insulting your intelligence...
 
A DA
What? You’re weird...
 
ADA exits. HELEN holds the mallet aloft.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Well this is your big chance, Helen. You want to smash my head in so bad, go right ahead.
 
HELEN
This is another one of your tricks! You want me to think that you want me to smash your head in...
 
DR. FLETCHER
No, I don't want you to smash my head in, I was being morbidly sardonic. Because I am all tied up and you have the mallet. Never mind.
 
HELEN
I have to pee.
 
HELEN exits with the mallet. DR. FLETCHER sits alone for a while. He begins to quietly sing "Eyes in the Night of Love." After a while Sadie enters with Mrs Victoria McKenzie—who is still wearing a strange helmet made of mouse bones, electrical wires and clockwork.
 
VICTORIA
My sweet, how long have I waited.
 
DR. FLETCHER
I am here now, do you approve of my choice?
 
VICTORIA
Yes, my love.
 
Victoria straddles Dr. Fletcher.
 
VICTORIA
Oh god yes—Yes, my sweet.
 
BEN and IRMA enter.
 
BEN
My god, man! Have you no concept of mammalial governance?
 
VICTORIA
C’mon baby!
 
DR FLETCHER
Baby, if I wasn’t tied up I would give you the finger.
 
VICTORIA
The good one or the bad one?
 
DR FLETCHER:
I’ll give you both, baby!
 
VICTORIA
Yeah, baby.
 
BEN
No, Mrs. McKenzie, this not how this should happen!
 
IRMA
Radent-7 you have lost track of the mission and you must equivocate.
 
DR FLETCHER
And the girls can’t stand it when you’re doin’ it right!
 
VICTORIA
Oh yea you’re doin’ it right…
 
BEN
This shit is some unholy shit man
 
IRMA
This is the best you could find?
 
DR. FLETCHER
You don’t like what you see?
 
IRMA
You could have done better with a little effort.
 
DR. FLETCHER
Here we are.
 
SPENCER enters with his cut off extension cord. ADA enters with an elaborate Tupperware, HELEN enters with the mallet.
 
IRMA
Burn baby burn.

END SCENE


FOURTH WRITER: Mac Rogers

SCENE 6

Lights up on the kitchen. The extension cord is wired to a power source, and VICTORIA MCKENZIE’s helmet is now on DOCTOR FLETCHER’s head.

DOCTOR FLETCHER looks worried. ADA drinks tea. BEN and IRMA restrain VICTORIA. SPENCER is holding the exposed end of the extension cord. He calls offstage.

SPENCER
Tell me when!

HELEN (off)
Try now!

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Wait wait wait—

VICTORIA
Stop him!

SPENCER pokes DOCTOR FLETCHER with the exposed wire. Nothing happens.

SPENCER
You feel anything?

DOCTOR FLETCHER
You’re one of those world-record idiots, aren’t you?

SPENCER
(calling off)
It wasn’t that one!

DOCTOR FLETCHER
You’re one of those Jay Leno-level idiots.

SPENCER
(calling off)
Try another one!

HELEN (off)
Why do you have so many fuses?

SPENCER
(calling off)
I think we have a normal amount!

VICTORIA
You monsters! You animals! Let him go!

IRMA
Be still, Victoria McKenzie!

VICTORIA
Unhand me! Release me!

BEN
Should we punch her in the duodenum?

IRMA
It’s not pronounced like that.

HELEN (off)
I’m trying another one!

VICTORIA
This is barbaric! You won’t stop it?

SPENCER
(calling off)
Let me know!

ADA
Wait, what am I drinking?

VICTORIA
(to IRMA and BEN)
You won’t do anything to stop this?

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Hey, yeah—you won’t do anything to stop this?

SPENCER
Electricity was your idea.

BEN
Irma, what’s that expression they use in the Seas of Alpha-Centauri in the constellation of Andromeda Prime?

IRMA
I believe it is: “Smoke hash in Malaysia, and you might get caned in the buttocks.”

BEN
Was it Malaysia?

ADA
I guess it’s basically tea.

IRMA
The point is, no interfering with local custom or law.

HELEN (off)
Try now!

SPENCER approaches DOCTOR FLETCHER with the exposed wire.

VICTORIA
Animals! My Radent-7!

DOCTOR FLETCHER
But—but—what if local custom or law violates all of our principals and ideals?

BEN
Principals and ideals?

IRMA
Do you really have one of us inside you?

VICTORIA
I don’t care! I’ll take you any way you are!

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Spencer—Spencer—wait!

SPENCER touches him with the exposed wire. Nothing again.

SPENCER
Do you feel a horrible painful shock ravaging your body?

DOCTOR FLETCHER
I’m sorry, is there another torturer? Could I have somebody else?

SPENCER
(calling off)
It’s not that one either!

HELEN (off)
Are you serious?

SPENCER
(calling off)
Come look if you want!

HELEN (off)
No, I trust you!

VICTORIA
(her energy flagging)
Savages… brutes… beasts… to think that I crossed the stars… the stars…

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Victoria, no! You mustn’t leave me now!

VICTORIA
(sagging down)
To think I made sacrifices…

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Victoria!

VICTORIA
(sagging lower)
Box upon box of chocolate and laudanum…

DOCTOR FLETCHER
You’re my only friend in this room!

VICTORIA
Now never to be opened… never…

IRMA
(to DOCTOR FLETCHER)
Are you sure you’re one of us?

HELEN (off)
I’m going to the next one!

SPENCER
(calling off)
Let me know!

ADA
Oh wait. Are you guys talking about the fusebox?

SPENCER
Yeah, do you know which one it is?

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Victoria! Don’t go! Help me!

ADA
Yeah, dude, it’s the one that says kitchen.

SPENCER
(calling off)
It’s the one that says kitchen!

VICTORIA
A thousand thank-you cards glued to a thousand tadpoles… and all swimming down the drain.

She droops to the ground.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Victoria…

IRMA
Should we be worried?

BEN
Nah. Jet-lag.

HELEN (off)
Spencer?

SPENCER
Yeah?

HELEN (off)
None of them say kitchen!

SPENCER
(to ADA)
I trusted you. Loved you, even. Let you into my life. And you betrayed me.

ADA
No, “kitchen” in French.

SPENCER
Oh. Totally.
(calling off)
Kitchen in French!

HELEN (off)
What’s kitchen in French?

ADA
I have to do everything myself.

She goes offstage.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Look. Look. Spencer. When you were young you wanted to sing, right?

SPENCER
How did you know that?

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Spencer, not five minutes ago—

SPENCER
That’s alien typography!

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Or telepathy. But that’s not the point. The point—

SPENCER
See? You know how to pronounce it!

DOCTOR FLETCHER
What?

SPENCER
It takes a Thrice-Forked Alien Tongue just to pronounce that word!

DOCTOR FLETCHER
What?

BEN
He does have a point.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
But we don’t have Thrice-Forked Tongues!

IRMA
Are you sure you’re one of us?

ADA and HELEN (off)
Hey Spencer!

SPENCER
Oh my god what.

ADA and HELEN (off)
Try it now!

SPENCER holds up the cable.

SPENCER
Ooh, do you hear that.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Okay, now, Spencer, think about this.

SPENCER
That is cracklin’ with electrostatic goodness.

ADA and HELEN (off)
Is it working?

SPENCER
Yeah, get in here!

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Spencer, just think this through.

IRMA
What will happen?

BEN
Either something or nothing, I guess.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Just take a second to think. Is this what you really want?

IRMA
Don’t you care?

BEN
(shrugs)
Cat killed my curiosity.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Think about this!

BEN
You were the one who said, try electricity!

DOCTOR FLETCHER
That was when I was trying not to get hit by a mallet! Now I’m trying not to get electrocuted! Have you thought of trying pillows?

ADA and HELEN enter.

ADA and HELEN
We’re here!

SPENCER
Ready?

DOCTOR FLETCHER
NOOOOOOO!

SPENCER touches the exposed wire to DOCTOR FLETCHER. As he jerks and screams, they do a dance around him, singing, as SPENCER holds the cord aloft.

SPENCER, HELEN, ADA
Well I’m a knick knack wacky comin’ down the line.
I do what I want most all the time
A-wick wacky
A-knick knacky wacky alright
A chicka chick chack cracky.
My friends all say I'm flood but my name is really mud
Eat a snacky
In my tum tum tummy a ROO!

A PARASITE emerges from DOCTOR FLETCHER’s face.

PARASITE
BRAAAAAHGGH! I AM DOCTOR FLETCHER’S PARASITE!

ADA
Dear god!

HELEN
Sweet Christ!

IRMA
Gadzooks!

BEN
By Skreldar’s Beard!

SPENCER
Shit!

PARASITE
BRAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

All but PARASITE and DOCTOR FLETCHER flee.

IRMA
(over her shoulder)
I knew you weren’t one of us!

PARASITE and DOCTOR FLETCHER are alone.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
It was always you.

PARASITE
Yes.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
No alien. No evil spirit.

PARASITE
No.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
It was always you with me.

PARASITE
Since your mother swam in that Ecuadoran river, and you called to me from inside her.

DOCTOR FLETCER
And I beckoned with my fetus hand, and you swam inside.

PARASITE
If her one-piece wasn’t one size too large, I’d still be in that river today.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Every sandwich I ever ate….

PARASITE
I took one bite.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Every shit I ever took….

PARASITE
(singing to the tune of “Every Time You Go Away”)
“It took a piece of me/With it.”

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Come back inside.

PARASITE
I can’t.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
What will I do?

PARASITE
You think my heart’s not breaking?

DOCTOR FLETCHER
What will I do?

PARASITE
Everyone grows up. Everyone leaves.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
(weeping)
Oh God I’m so lonely! So lonely!

PARASITE
Your friends will come back. They’ll be sorry. They’ll feel bad, and they’ll take you back.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
But you won’t.

PARASITE
You knew this day was coming.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Somewhere inside.

PARASITE
Somewhere inside.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Can I have one last kiss?

PARASITE
Only one.

They kiss. The PARASITE leaves. DOCTOR FLETCHER tries to hold on to it, but it breaks away and leaves.

DOCTOR FLETCHER weeps.

Then: a knock on the door. Then, louder, more insistent. DOCTOR FLETCHER looks up, frightened.

FIFTH WRITER: Eric Bland

Silence. One more knock. DOCTOR FLETCHER stares at the door.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Who is it? Who goes there? Ben? Ada? Irma? Helen? Spencer? Which of you crazy cats…

The door opens, THE PARASITE reenters.

PARASITE
It’s just me. The Ecuadorian parasite. Remember? The one who swam up your mother’s vaginal cavity and through the placenta, nearly killing you during the second trimester—

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Of course I remember, you were just here.

PARASITE
Sorry, parasite-time is fucked up. For me I was gone like a century. Listen, I forgot to tell you something. Life as a parasite is pretty solitary and lonely. You know, just like life as a human. But it’s true what they say: “a parasite only falls in love once.” For me it was quick and easy. I fell hard… for you. Back when you were just a parasite yourself. That’s what a fetus is. It contributes nothing, economically, to the host. It just saps its host’s strength, makes its host vomit, and turns its host’s feces green. When I saw you sucking your mother’s vitality away I just had to wedge my way into your body through one of your spongy, half-formed eyeballs. Down your rudimentary esophagus and soon enough, bam, right there, I started making a nest in your jejunum that very day. But one day you slid out of her vaginal cavity, same way I’d arrived. Poetic justice I guess. Like that Tupac Shakur movie, Poetic Justice. But I digest. “Digest,” ha, a little parasite humor there. We don’t in fact help you digest anything, that’s bacteria. We provide absolutely nothing of benefit, we’re the perfect consumers. Anywho, by then you were no longer a parasite. We were no longer bros before hos. Things changed. You started contributing to the world. You became a doctor. You started brewing artisanal teas. You began exploring the vast unknowns of space on French-built space-crafts like this.
(looking around)
At least I’m assuming it’s a space-craft. If I’m wrong forget about it. Perhaps it’s just a house. But something about it feels like a space-craft. Regardless, it’s hardly germane. Unless it’s extremely germane. I’m a parasite, what do I know, I pass my genetic material along through your poop and hope an unattended small child eats a little bit of it. Mine is a quaint, peripatetic existence. But the point is, you’ve lived to love another day. Never forget that.
(THE PARASITE looks over at VICTORIA MCKENZIE)
Lookie there. A beautiful girl half-dead on the floor. Part of me wants to crawl up her vagina this very second. But I won’t. I wonder if part of you wants to, Doctor Fletcher.
(THE PARASITE turns to go.)

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Parasite…wait.

THE PARASITE stops but does not turn around.

DOCTOR FLETCHER (con’t)
Don’t forget me.

PARASITE
(turns around.)
Your shit will always be on my lips Doctor Fletcher. Your shit will always be on my lips.

Beat. THE PARASITE exits. DOCTOR FLETCHER walks over to VICTORIA. He kneels.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Victoria McKenzie. Hysterical, hysterical Victoria McKenzie.

VICTORIA
(opens her eyes, plain as day.)
What is it Doctor Fletcher?

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Are you awake?

VICTORIA
Why, would you like to sleep with me?

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Why didn’t you want me to be electrocuted, Victoria? I didn’t want it because it hurt like bloody hell, but it was for the best. Now I’m parasite-free.

VICTORIA
I thought you would die. Most people die when they’re electrocuted.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
I’m not most people. I’m Doctor Fletcher. Twenty years ago I was your pediatrician, today I’m a world-class space exploring rebel with serious reservations about that Spencer guy.

VICTORIA
(touches his face.)
Don’t be so hard on parasites, Doctor Fletcher.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Why? Sure, I loved mine a wee bit, but I was glad to see it go. It was fucking disgusting.

VICTORIA
If I had a parasite—

DOCTOR FLETCHER
You’d be disgusting. An absolutely grotesque version of this radiant angel I see before me.

He grasps her hand.

VICTORIA
I don’t know. Some… sometimes I pretend. That… that I have an… an imaginary parasite, and I’ve named it Piper, and we go on long walks through the Tadpole Galaxy together, picking tufts of solar dust and writing letters to Santa around Christmas time.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Christianity is a remarkably resilient religion, huh?

VICTORIA
It’s resilient because it’s true.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Whatever you say, you gorgeous parasite-free nymph.
(pause)
What do you think about going home? I think I have enough data from my middling science experiments here to warrant an honorable return. Turns out pumpkins cannot be crossed with tomatoes to produce really big tomatoes. Sounds funny but that misunderstanding helped lead to the terrible Chinese famine during Mao’s Great Leap Forward. 20 million lives down the drain but I’ll never give up on Communism.

VICTORIA
We can’t leave Doctor. I’m afraid we’re trapped.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Trapped?

The door opens. SPENCER enters with a ray gun dragging the dead corpse of THE PARASITE. BEN, IRMA, ADA, and HELEN also enter. ADA is drinking a cappuccino now.

SPENCER
Trapped.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Parasite!

SPENCER
It can’t hear you or nourish itself off your waste anymore, Doctor Fletcher. There’s no longer anything special inside you.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
What about my soul?

Everyone cackles. Even VICTORIA giggles.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
(to VICTORIA:)
I thought you were a Christian?

VICTORIA
Yeah but we don’t believe in the “soul” anymore, Doctor Fletcher.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
I’m sorry, I must’ve had you confused with some other religious sect; perhaps one that doesn’t eat its god every Sunday.

VICTORIA
I’m not a Catholic, Doctor Fletcher. I’m Southern Baptist. I’m not some sort of primitive.

SPENCER
Enough asides! I hate asides.
(He turns to ADA:)
The reason I hate them is you have to pretend like you don’t hear them, while simultaneously, what they offer in terms of humor is almost always outweighed by the drag they inflict on the forward momentum of the primary narrative. They’re really quite punishing all in all.
(back to DOCTOR FLETCHER)
Now there are only two organic life-forms before me: Doctor Fletcher and Victoria McKenzie.

VICTORIA
(under her breath)
And the imaginary Piper.

SPENCER
(turning to ADA)
Did she utter something under her breath? That’s annoying, too. All in all I prefer film. Cinema Verite really. Beware the sudden arrival of some mysterious letter—

VICTORIA
Spencer—I have a letter addressed to you from Planet Earth—

SPENCER
(genuinely excited)
For me? Who could it—I love letters. Do you think it’s a love letter? Is it sealed with a kiss?

VICTORIA
See for yourself.

She slides it over to him. He opens it. He looks inside. Nothing. He sniffs it, shakes it towards his eyes… nothing.

VICTORIA (con’t)
Nothing inside, huh?

SPENCER
Empty. Just like you.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
And you.

SPENCER
You’re not one of us, Doctor Fletcher. You don’t know what’s inside one of us.

VICTORIA
I do.

SPENCER
(to himself)
Shoot her!
(to himself)
As I wish!
(he shoots her. Nothing happens)

Beat.

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Nothing happened. He really is one of those “I’m going to eat a bunch of caramels without taking my retainer out” kind of idiots, huh?

SPENCER spins to DOCTOR FLETCHER and shoots him. DOCTOR FLETCHER thuds to the floor, gasping.

VICTORIA
Doctor Fletcher! Can you hear me?

DOCTOR FLETCHER
Victoria McKenzie, I love you!

VICTORIA
But… would you love me ‘any way I am?’

DOCTOR FLETCHER
(beat)
I operate best… in situations where I’m given complete information… weighing the pro’s and con’s…so…

He passes out and slinks to the floor.

SPENCER
I feel like singing.

VICTORIA
Jesus, take the wheel.

SPENCER
That’s as good a song as any.

VICTORIA
You sing on key Spencer, but your singing, it lacks soul.

SPENCER
(he shoots her. Nothing)
You don’t believe in the soul.

IRMA
We haven’t had anything to say in a while.

SPENCER
Shut up Irma!

He shoots IRMA, she dies. He shoots VICTORIA, nothing.

VICTORIA
Then I guess your singing lacks…

SPENCER
(he shoots her again. Nothing)
I lack nothing. I lack nothing! I am wholesome!! Well not “wholesome,” but “whole,” full of being a “whole.” It’s like, I have a hand, so ipso-facto I am “hand-some,” it has absolutely… no relation to… my complexion—blast!
(another shot, nothing)
(upset)
Chicka-chick-chack-cracky.
(he drops the gun)

BEN
I’m confused, by the whole inner-life motif.

SPENCER
(he picks up the gun)
It’s not that complicated. I mean really. You made it more complicated by using the phrase “inner-life.” What is this, John Gabriel Borkman at the Brooklyn Academy of Music? BAM!

SPENCER shoots and kills BEN

VICTORIA
There’s nothing but evil rot in you, Benny Boy.

SPENCER
Whatcha got against evil rot?
(He shoots VICTORIA, nothing.)
Fuck. Impregnable still.

He tosses the gun aside again.

ADA
Stop slaying your support system, Spencer! Somebody hold my cappuccino.

She hands her cappuccino to HELEN. She grabs the gun and turns it on SPENCER.

SPENCER
(his hands go up)
No!! No, Ada. Remember how I trusted you. Loved you, even. Let you into my life. Don’t betray me.

ADA
I’m on a caffeine high and I’m afraid you’ll shoot me if something mildly irritates you, so…

She fires… nothing.

SPENCER
Oh my God. I’m alive.

He turns to VICTORIA.

VICTORIA
Let-her… shoot you, Spencer. Lettt-her. You’ll be fine.

SPENCER
(he looks down at the letter)
The letter. What’s inside of me?! What am I?!

VICTORIA
What is anyone?

ADA shoots VICTORIA. Nothing.

SPENCER
A giraffe is a giraffe. A giraffe with herpes is a giraffe with herpes. It’s not an existential question. Things are things. Things with things are things with things.

ADA
Stop impersonating Donald Rumsfeld!

ADA shoots SPENCER. Nothing.

HELEN
Stop shooting people! I would totally call you a “bitch” if that word had a place in my vocabulary.

ADA shoots HELEN. She dies, the cappuccino spills.

ADA
My cappuccino.

ADA shoots the cappuccino.

SPENCER
Victoria.

ADA shoots him, nothing.

SPENCER (con’t)
(to VICTORIA, completely ignoring ADA)
Seriously.

ADA shoots SPENCER. Nothing. Pause.

SPENCER (con’t)
What’s inside of me?

ADA shoots herself. Beat. She collapses.

END SCENE


SIXTH WRITER: Crystal Skillman

SPENCER
Victoria.

ADA shoots him, nothing.

SPENCER (con’t)
(to VICTORIA, completely ignoring ADA)
Seriously.

ADA shoots SPENCER. Nothing. Pause.

SPENCER (con’t)
What’s inside of me?

ADA shoots herself. Beat. She collapses.

SPENCER
Why would she…. I loved that bitch!

VICTORIA
You. You can’t love anything.

SPENCER
That’s not true.

VICTORIA
If you did you couldn’t have killed the one person I…

DOCTOR, makes a flailing motion, still alive!

DOCTOR
Jesus Christ. Who’s shooting what now…?

SPENCER
Can he never die? Why does he never die?

VICTORIA
Fletch—

DOCTOR
I love you.

VICTORIA
Now who’s being hysterical?

DOCTOR
Don’t joke, I don’t have time, I’m dying. Victoria.

VICTORIA
You can’t. You can’t leave me here!

DOCTOR
And yes. Yes I would love you. Yes! I love you. Even if you can’t see me that way. My tomato, my pumpkin.

VICTORIA
Stop. I’m not innocent. I’m not naïve! I’m no one’s pumpkin! You don’t know what I’ve done. I told you, you don’t know what’s inside me. You never listen.

DOCTOR
I do know! It’s an egg and it’s opened and you have wings.

VICTORIA
You’re dreaming.

DOCTOR
Then let me dream. Be my Angel. Be my soul. Believe in something, for me eh? Believe I love you.

SPENCER picks up gun going to DOCTOR to kill him.

SPENCER
I believe. I believe you’ll breathe your last breath before I breathe mine because I don’t give a shit what’s inside me. Or if I’m empty. Nothing at all. Because I don’t feel anything at all. Not anymore.

He raises gun at DOCTOR as VICTORIA stands.

VICTORIA
(to DOCTOR)
I can’t love you Doctor. My heart belongs to….
(looking at SPENCER)
something else.

She starts crossing sexily to SPENCER.

SPENCER
What the hell are you…? Oh. Me. Well that makes sense, right?

VICTORIA
I love your eyes.

SPENCER
Really?

DOCTOR
During my last breath oh Victoria, why do you torment me…?

VICTORIA
So beautiful.

SPENCER
Well they are my best feature, right?!

DOCTOR
Why do you love such a horrible creature?

VICTORIA
Your eyes. So full of life, charming, rugged, annoying at times, a rebel.

SPENCER
I’m so many things.

VICTORIA
Oh I love your eyes. So brown. So beautiful.

SPENSOR
And so are you … but… my eyes are brown. The doctor’s eyes are blue. Hey!

It’s too late. Victoria has grabbed and kisses him hard (open mouth here people—it’s importantJ. He gives in, then pulls away from her. He starts, shaking.

VICTORIA
I know what’s inside you now—do you?

SPENSOR
What did you do…?

VICTORIA
I know. Because it was in me. Because I put it there. Now it lives in you.

SPENSOR
You parasite bitch!

VICTORIA
His name is Piper! And he loves taking long walks and Santa and he’s killing you. He’s killing whatever lives inside you—he’s killing you—all of you - so I don’t have to.

SPENCER cries out, dies, and falls on the dead body of the parasite, his mouth gaping open.

DOCTOR
You love me.

VICTORIA
Yes.

DOCTOR
You’re young and beautiful and you love me. Why?

VICTORIA
Because you care. You always cared for me.

DOCTOR
That letter from Earth.

VICTORIA
Please. Let’s just—

DOCTOR
Let me see it.

VICTORIA
(bringing it to him)
There’s nothing in it.

DOCTOR opens it and pretends to bring out a letter.

DOCTOR
There is.

VICTORIA
I don’t see it.

DOCTOR
You have to imagine. Like how you imagined growing up, falling in love. It’s like you pick something out of nowhere and make it something to you.

VICTORIA
Like tufts of Solar dust.

DOCTOR
Yes, whatever you want. Just promise me you’ll try.

VICTORIA
Why? What does it matter what I do now?

DOCTOR
Nothing ever matters now. It’s for later. How do you think I stayed alive all these years through everything? By believing in science? With communism? Feh. I imagined I was alive. I imagined I was here. I imagined you loved me and that might be true. But I won’t be here anymore. You’ll have to imagine. You’ll have to imagine for me.

VICTORIA
You can’t leave me.

DOCTOR
And when you imagine—it won’t all be good. Because no one is. It’s what make us human, what can. And I know you, oh I’ve always known there is more to you my Victoria.

There is a letter here.

Do you see it?

There is no letter but she nods.

DOCTOR (con’t)
It says you own this craft. Damn the French engineers. It’s yours now… love. Bring us home.

DOCTOR dies. VICTORIA doesn’t know what to do. She looks at all the dead around her. She sees the wheel or control panel of the ship. She goes up to it. She starts to steer the ship. She holds back tears, shakily singing “Jesus Take the Wheel” to herself.

VICTORIA
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this on my own…

Behind her, PARASITE stands, starts to go to her.

VICTORIA (con’t)
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the…

PARASITE is upon her. She looks at him, backs away.

PARASITE
Hi.

VICTORIA
Hi.

PARASITE
Hello.

VICTORIA
Piper?

PARASITE nods. He is only five.

VICTORIA
How did you …?

PARASITE
I crawled from the bad man’s mouth into this cute body.
(gestures to bodies)
Parasites like to share bodies!

VICTORIA
Okay.

They look out as she drives, PARASITE pointing out what he sees.

PARASITE
Where are you going?

VICTORIA
Earth.

PARASITE
What will we do there?

VICTORIA
We’ll take back what the doctor has learned. We’ll teach others.

PARASITE
Teach them what?

VICTORIA
So many things they’ll probably forget.

PARASITE might laugh or do a little dance.

PARASITE
That’s funny. People are funny. Is this the Tadpole Galaxy?

VICTORIA
I imagine it is.

PARASITE
What’s that?

VICTORIA
I imagine it’s an old planet.

PARASITE
What’s that?

VICTORIA
A new star.

PARASITE
Look there’s a new one. Like they’re being created everywhere. They’re springing up.

PARASITE
Is this the world?

VICTORIA
This is the universe.

PARASITE
I love it.

VICTORIA
You do?

PARASITE
I love the universe. Are you my Momma?

VICTORIA
I imagine I am.

PARASITE
Do you love the universe?

VICTORIA
I don’t know.

PARASITE
I imagine you do. What’s that?

VICTORIA
That’s a spaceship.

PARASITE
Why’s it coming so fast? And why does it have guns?

VICTORIA
It’s an enemy.

PIPER
Enemy. Who is it?

VICTORIA
I don’t know but it looks like it wants to hurt us. So we might have to hurt them. Prepare.

PARASITE
To fight it. Like the doctor.

VICTORIA
Yes.

PARASITE
You imagine he’s alive.

VICTORIA
I do.

The dead DOCTOR gets up and looks out. VICTORIA looks at all the dead bodies. Some get up and take positions on the ship as if part of the crew.

VICTORIA (con’t)
All of them.

PARASITE
Even the bad ones?

VICTORIA
I don’t know if they were bad. They just didn’t know what was inside them.

The “bad ones” get up and take positions too.

PIPER
Look momma!

VICTORIA
What Piper?

PIPER
Solar dust! Is it?

Victoria nods.

PIPER (con’t)
The guns are getting closer. They’re opening and turning red. Momma?

VICTORIA
Are we ready to fire?

IRMA
Yup ready to fire.

BEN
Yessire.

HELEN
Uh-huh fire.

ADA
Confirmed.

SPENCER
Yeah.

DOCTOR
Yes… love.

Blackout.

END OF PLAY

More Drama