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ADVENTURER'S QUEST, PART II
by Richard Lovejoy

Richard Lovejoy is an award winning writer and an actor.  His most recent plays include BrainExplode! – essentially a live action video game – and A Brief History of Murder. You can listen to his sci-fi radio comedy, 1918, at www.1918show.com.  Richard is also the creative director of Charred Oak Films. His feature The Widowers will be shot next Spring.

For production rights contact Richard Lovejoy at: rich@charredoakfilms.com

--------------------------------------------------------------------

CHARACTERS:
Hero
Voice
Peasant Girl
Guard / Fletcher / Ogre / Mayor
Merchant / Ghost / Gypsy Woman /
Receptionist / Mayor’s daughter
Beggar / Concerned Cultist / Innkeeper
Cult Member / Cult Guard / Neighbor /
Fletcher’s Apprentice
Cemetery Man / Loyal Cultist /
Concerned Troubadour

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS ISSUE

SCENE 32—LOFT ROW—SCORE 230 OF 320.

The scene resets to the HERO outside the loft. His score is down to 230 again. The HERO frantically feels his face and where his wounds were. He pants and his eyes dart about.

                                                                         HERO
I thought you were just going to... Going to just let me be dead. I... Put on cult robe.

He puts the robe back on. Point music. 231 of 320.

He walks west to town square.

 

SCENE 33—TOWN SQUARE—SCORE 231 OF 320.

                                                                         HERO
Save.

The HERO starts to walk back towards the cathedral. He stops. He turns around and exits in another direction.

SCENE 34—CEMETERY—SCORE 231 OF 320.

He walks up to CEMETERY MAN.

                                                                         HERO
Do you feel some sort of inner spark or... Or... I mean. Do you feel anything?

No response.

                                                                         HERO
Enjoy the tea set you jack-off.

He goes to leave.

                                                                         CEMETERY MAN
I will, cunt.

HERO turns around. CEMETER
MAN looks vacant.

                                                                         HERO
Did you say something?

No response. The HERO looks intensely weirded out. He exits back to loft space.

 

SCENE 35—CATHEDRAL—SCORE 231 OF 320.

HERO marches to the rope.

                                                                         HERO
Climb the rope like it has never been climbed before.

 

SCENE 36—MIN HALL—SCORE 231 OF 320.

Again the two cultists are arguing.

                                                                         HERO
Eavesdrop.

Point music. 232 of 320.

                                                                         CONCERNED CULTIST
I’m just not sure that kidnapping the mayor’s daughter was a necessary move. I mean, what does that even accomplish politically?

                                                                         LOYAL CULTIST
How can you say it accomplishes nothing politically? By helping Evilicus with the kidnapping we’ve made ourselves invaluable to him, hence we get tax breaks, say in the allocation of city resources, and all sorts of other perks.

                                                                         CONCERNED CULTIST
I mean, why did he even need to do that though?

                                                                         LOYAL CULTIST
Because the mayor is a political enemy.

                                                                         CONCERNED CULTIST
So why not just kill the mayor?

                                                                         LOYAL CULTIST
I don’t know, I’m not Evilicus.

                                                                         HERO
Save. Stab cultists.

The HERO takes out his dagger and stabs one of the cultists in the throat.

                                                                         VOICE
Unfortunately, you are outnumbered.

The other pulls a knife and stabs the HERO, who dies painfully

                                                                         CONCERNED CULTIST
Gil? Are you alive? Oh octopus god... My only friend... WHY!? Why didn’t you take me instead! I’m the unworthy one, questioning everyone’s motives instead of just trusting that everyone is doing their part of the great work! Oh god, who was this strange horrible man? Why did he kill my friend and not me? Gil, I wish I had confessed this to you when you were alive, but all I ever wanted to do was make sweet, sweet love to you. I’ll take this stranger’s dagger and join you in sweet oblivion.

He goes to kill himself but before he can, the VOICE speaks.

                                                                          

                                                                        VOICE
Restore.

 

SCENE 37—MAIN HALL—SCORE 232 OF 320.

The scene resets.

                                                                         HERO
Look at plant.

                                                                         VOICE
The large plant really brings this hallway together.

                                                                         HERO
Hide behind plant.

Point music. 233 of 320.

                                                                         HERO
Throw dagger at cultists.

                                                                         VOICE
Nope.

                                                                         HERO
Oh, come on!

                                                                         VOICE
You have something that’s better for throwing.

                                                                         HERO
I already used the fish. And frankly I don’t understand how it was even needed-

                                                                         VOICE
Not the fish you idiot.

                                                                         HERO
Throw... rock at cultist?

Point music. 234 of 320. The HERO hurls a stone. It hits the LOYAL CULTIST in the head.

                                                                         LOYAL CULTIST
OW! Holy fuck!

                                                                         CONCERNED CULTIST
What? What happened?

                                                                         LOYAL CULTIST
Oh fuck, I’m fucking bleeding!

                                                                         CONCERNED CULTIST
What the fuck dude?

                                                                         LOYAL CULTIST
Something just hit me!

                                                                         HERO
Throw rock at... Wait...

He just hurls the rock. Point music. 235 of 320. The second rock hits the LOYAL CULTIST, who crumples over, dead.

                                                                        CONCERNED CULTIST
Gil? Are you alive? Oh octopus god... My only friend... WHY!? Why didn’t you take me instead! I’m the unworthy one, questioning your motives!

The HERO runs up and stabs the concerned cultist as he says...

                                                                         HERO
Send cultist to hell with dagger!

He viciously murders the cultist who stays alive through way too many stabs, unable to speak as he is choking on blood or screaming in pain, whichever is more hilarious.

                                                                         HERO
Oh shit. I keep killing people. I’m a monster... Oh god... I need... I need peasant girl... Around her I don’t feel the urge to take life. Without her I’m... Maybe that’s why I was in the Dread Pirate’s brig earlier... Because I can’t stop killing. Oh god... I must have medicine.

He empties his inventory.

                                                                         HERO
Surely there are anti-psychotic herbs or magic potions that make me happy and slow down my mind... Ah, whiskey.

He drinks from the flask.

                                                                         HERO
Fuck. Not enough to make me drunk. My head hurts. Why don’t I have any mind calming balm? Maybe I’m just supposed to kill. Fuck it. Maybe I should just kill everyone.

He walks back to the storage room.

 

SCENE 38—CATHEDRAL—SCORE 235 OF 320.

He walks up to the cultist. He goes to stab him but instead he drops his knife and throws his arm around cultist, sobbing.

                                                                         HERO
I keep killing... Help me! Help me!

He shakes the cultist violently.

                                                                         HERO
Oh come on! Say something!

He screams a constant note as long as he can while looking straight into the cultist’s eyes.

The actor playing the CULT GUARD somehow keeps a straight face.

When the HERO is done with the intensely long scream, he releases the CULT GUARD, picks up his dagger, and walks away.

Then, suddenly he turns around and jarringly snaps the guy’s neck. The cultist slumps over, dead.

The HERO realizes what he has done and runs east.

 

SCENE 39—TOWN SQUARE—SCORE 235 OF 320

The HERO stops running. He tries to walk in a poorly animated style. He gives up on that.

                                                                        HERO
Woah. That whiskey made me have to piss. Is there a bathroom anywhere? Hello? What, are you mad at me or something? Look at inventory.

He looks in his bag.

                                                                        HERO
Yes, I see what I have.

No response from the VOICE. The HERO jumps.

                                                                        HERO
I guess- I guess this is freedom then. I like freedom, though I still have to piss.

He is struck with a thought. He walks up to the beggar. He faces away from the audience and lowers his pants.

                                                                        HERO
Piss on beggar.

Peeing sounds.
Point music. 236 of 320.

                                                                        HERO
I don’t know what that accomplished and why I was rewarded for it, but it was fun. Almost as much fun as killing. Merchant, I just pissed on the beggar. That’s why he smells more like urine than normal.

Pause.

                                                                         HERO
Ah, you’re alright merchant.

He slaps merchant on the shoulder. The MERCHANT does not respond. HERO pulls out knife and slits the MERCHANT’s throat. The MERCHANT silently drips blood from her mouth and falls over dead.

The HERO screams in horror. Then silence. Then the HERO feels his own throat. He hyperventilates for a moment and then calms himself. He turns to the beggar.

                                                                        HERO
Beggar, I’m sorry I urinated on you... I don’t know what came over me. I- I think I need help. Talk to me you fucker!

No response. HERO sits down and takes a deep breath.

                                                                         HERO
Sorry... I just found out I’m a murderer. Also I seem to hate poor people for some reason. And who am I to hate them? I don’t have a job or home. I’m an adventurer but what the fuck is that? Did I apply to be that? Did I go to university for that? I mean, what, exactly IS that? Adventurer? Why do I do what I do?

There is a long silence.

                                                                         HERO
Fuck you too beggar. I just opened my heart to you and you just sat there. Thanks a fucking lot. I hope your station in life is never improved. Oh, there I go again. Disparaging poor people. What is wrong with me? I need help... I need medicine... For my brain... I need...

He looks East.

                                                                        HERO
Her...

He walks East to the loft screen.

 

SCENE 40—FLETCHER’S LOFT—SCORE 236 OF 320.

He finds himself in the PEASANT GIRL’s loft again. He walks up o her.

                                                                        HERO
Come on... You’re in there. I see you in there! In your eyes I see a flicker... Come on...

He sings the lullaby to her. Nothing. He dances for her. Nothing. He sings the lullaby in an upbeat and exaggerated fashion. Nothing.
Finally, he kisses her. She surprisingly responds and squeezes him back suddenly, almost violently. The kiss breaks.

                                                                        HERO
Oh thank the octopus or whoever!

She looks confused. She goes back to her pose. As he talks to her she reticently follows his instructions.

                                                                        HERO
No no, don’t go back. You can move. Yes. Yes like that. Move about! Yes!

                                                                               PEASANT GIRL
                                    (gaining confidence)
You’re the man who saved me earlier.

                                                                         HERO
I am.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
What is your name?

                                                                         HERO
I... I’m the Hero.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
My name is... Peasant Girl?

                                                                         HERO
Yes, I know...

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Peasant Girl. I feel demeaned by the universe.

                                                                         HERO
I think it’s a pretty name.

She smiles.

                                                                         HERO
Look, I don’t know if this is too forward, but I think I... I want to touch you again.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I... I... Want to touch you too. They slowly move towards each other.

She notices her father.

                                                                        PEASANT GIRL
Oh shit, my dad.

The HERO looks at the vacant father.

                                                                         HERO
I don’t think he’ll mind.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I feel weird with my dad over there.

                                                                         HERO
Honestly, I don’t think he’ll care.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Dad, would you mind giving us the loft for a moment? No response.

                                                                         HERO
Allow me.

He approaches the FLETCHER.

                                                                         HERO
Talk to fletcher.

                                                                         FLETCHER
Thank you for saving my daughter. I hope you enjoyed my bow.

                                                                         HERO
I used it to shoot a sharpened broom with a fish attached to it into a cathedral.

Pause.

                                                                         HERO
Would you mind if I talked to your daughter in private.

No response.

                                                                         HERO
Talk to fletcher.

                                                                         FLETCHER
Thank you for saving my daughter. I hope you enjoyed my bow.

The HERO turns towards the PEASANT GIRL.

                                                                         HERO
I think he won’t mind whatever we do.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Why won’t he respond...

                                                                         HERO
Maybe he’s not a great dad.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Don’t insult my dad!

                                                                         HERO
Sorry, I just. I just don’t think he cares what we do...

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Where is my mother...?

                                                                         HERO
I think he said something about a divorce.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I remember something about that... The screaming, the fights... Dad coming home late... Always using the excuse that he had some more feathers to glue into some more arrows. But really he was at the tavern drinking with his friends! My poor mother, quietly dying of lymphoma, waiting for him to come home... God... They hated each other!

                                                                         HERO
That’s right! He mentioned something about all that. Not the lymphoma. Ask about lymphoma.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I think she died shortly after the divorce!

                                                                         HERO
Wow... That... That sucks...

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I remember... I remember listening from my bed, pretending to be asleep while they fought. And the yelling...

                                                                         HERO
Leave that pain behind!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
But that’s all I know! My throat... I’m... I need water, I need water! DO SOMETHING!

She starts heaving and retching. The HERO is surprised by her sudden thirst and intense heaving.
Frantically empties his inventory looking for water.

                                                                         HERO
Sorry. I’m looking, I’m looking.

He grabs the flask from the FLETCHER, who stops moving and starts screaming. Sheepishly the HERO puts the flask back into the FLETCHER’s hand, silencing him.

                                                                         HERO
I have this empty wineskin but I don’t have anything liquid anymore since I...

The PEASANT GIRL finds a water skin on her person and drinks from it.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Since you what?

The HERO realizes now is not a good time to bring up having drunk the whiskey, pissed on the BEGGAR, and murdered the MERCHANT.

                                                                         HERO
Nothing.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I’m sorry. I just had this strange swelling of... Emotion. Or something vague but powerful like that and this fear gripped my heart.

                                                                         HERO
Don’t be sorry. I understand that feeling. I have it whenever I... I have them from time to time.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Touch me.

                                                                         HERO
OK.

They both approach each other, slowly. She reaches towards him and places a hand gently on his crotch.

Slight pause.

He reaches towards her and lays his hands on her breasts. After a good long moment they slowly pull their hands away in unison.

                                                                         HERO
That was- amazing.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I love you.

                                                                         HERO
I... Love, Yearn, Reverberate, Sing, Explode for you...

They move to kiss each other and she looks at her father. He looks at her father.

                                                                         HERO
He won’t care. Trust me, he won’t care.

The HERO starts removing his clothes.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
He’s so creepy just standing there. Maybe that’s the real reason mom left.

                                                                         HERO
Maybe.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Though honestly I think it may have been the alcoholism.

                                                                         HERO
I don’t drink anymore.

She feels the HERO all over his body like he is braille and she is blind.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Feeling you is incredible.

A slightly different point music. The HERO’s score doesn’t change.

                                                                         HERO
My score is still the same?

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I got a point. 1 of 86.

                                                                         HERO
You have 85 to go! Hey, so do I!

They smile at each other.

She starts to slide her hands down his pants then hesitates and looks over at her father.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I can’t do this. I can’t do this with him watching.

                                                                         HERO
Well, there must be some screen nearby with nobody around. Let’s go!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Your clothes!

                                                                         HERO
Right.

He starts to put his shirt and cult robe back on.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
This is all so exciting! Running away from my creepy father! Falling in love! Getting points! Here, let me help you.

She helps him finish getting the robe on.

                                                                         HERO
Now let’s go find a quiet place where we can make love! I think outside your loft is good!

                                                                         VOICE
Shouldn’t you be focused on rescuing the mayor’s daughter?

The HERO is startled to hear the voice.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
What is it?

                                                                         HERO
Nothing. Let’s go!

                                                                         VOICE
You will pay for this.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
You sure you’re OK?

                                                                         HERO
Yeah... Let’s get out of here.

They exit.

 

SCENE 41—LOFT ROW—SCORE 236 OUT OF 320.

They are outside the loft but an old NEIGHBOR sits in front of the door to the other loft.

                                                                         HERO
Where did this wanker come from? UNFAIR.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Who is that?

                                                                         HERO
I don’t know.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
How do we find out?

                                                                         HERO
Look at wanker.

                                                                         VOICE
I don’t understand.

                                                                         HERO
Look.

The VOICE sighs.

                                                                         VOICE
You are in the residential area of Perilton. Two funky artist lofts are here. The only exits are west to town square or south to the town graveyard. A friendly neighbor sits on a rocking chair.

The HERO approaches the NEIGHBOR and yells at him.

                                                                         HERO
I’m not going to talk to you! It’s hot outside! Go back inside!

                                                                         NEIGHBOR
Good morning friend!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Do you live next door?

                                                                         NEIGHBOR
Indeed I do! Just moved in! We’re neighbors! I’m the town loomer!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
My father is the fletcher!

                                                                         NEIGHBOR
I know, he gave me this arrow earlier when I returned his treasured bottle of hootch that the squirrel had taken! Now if only I had a bow with which to shoot it.

                                                                         HERO
                                    (turning to the heavens.)
Oh, come on!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I don’t have a bow to give you. Sadly all I have is this comb, this hammer, an octopus token, and this Peasant Girl dress I am wearing.

                                                                         HERO
Well, we best be on our way.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Wait, don’t you have a bow?

                                                                         HERO
I do, but, uh. I might need it and it’s getting late. Come to think of it, can I borrow your arrow?

                                                                         NEIGHBOR
I would rather not. I could really use a bow, however.

                                                                         HERO
Well, I could really use an arrow.

                                                                         NEIGHBOR
Fletcher’s daughter-

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Call me Peasant Girl.

                                                                         NEIGHBOR
Peasant Girl, explain to your friend that I am a friendly loomer and I could really use his bow for a project. We’re neighbors after all.

                                                                         HERO
Peasant girl will do no such thing. Now if you’ll excuse us-

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Peasant Girl will do whatever Peasant Girl wants to do. One minute, neighbor.

She escorts HERO to a quiet corner.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Look, just give my neighbor the bow. I don’t see what the big deal is. The universe is contingent upon the exchange of useful items, so I’ll give you the hammer I’m holding for some reason. Please? Please? Then we can go and look for someplace quiet...

                                                                         HERO
OK, fine... Give bow to neighbor.

He hands the bow over to neighbor.
Point music plays. 237 of 320.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Give hammer to Hero!

The PEASANT GIRL gives the HERO her hammer, both point musics play. 238 of 320.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Let’s see if the graveyard is unoccupied!

                                                                         HERO
Actually there was something of a crazy guy down there. He sells cemetery tea.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I don’t think I know him.

                                                                         HERO
He used to sell curses of death.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Oh, Alfred.

                                                                         HERO
You know him?

At this point the NEIGHBOR has armed himself with the bow and arrow.

                                                                         NEIGHBOR
Give me all your inventory items!

                                                                         HERO
Well that didn’t work out so well.

The HERO and the PEASANT GIRL empty their inventories. The neighbor takes their stuff and runs west.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I can’t believe the loomer mugged us!

                                                                         HERO
Don’t worry, I hid my dagger so he couldn’t take it. We can go after him and get our stuff back!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Did you keep the dagger but give him my massage oil?

                                                                         HERO
Err... He got everything but the dagger... But I can use the-

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
What kind of Hero are you, letting us get mugged!

                                                                         HERO
Save. Look, it’s not my fault, you’re the one who suggested I give him the bow!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I hate you! I hate you for blaming me for something when you know damn well my mother died of lymphoma!

She runs off.

                                                                         HERO
Restore. Please? PLEASE? I’ll do anything!

                                                                         VOICE
Very well, you owe me. And just this once. Restore.

 

SCENE 42—LOFT ROW—SCORE 238 OF 320.

The scene resets to the save point.
The PESANT GIRL has returned.

                                                                         HERO
Look, I can get our stuff back. Don’t worry. Shhh... You look tense, let me give you a massage.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
My oil! The oil I gave you would have come in handy! I hate you!

She runs off south.

                                                                         HERO
Restore?

Nothing happens.

                                                                         HERO
Restore?

Nothing happens.

                                                                         HERO
Wait!

He runs south after her.

 

SCENE 43—CEMETERY—SCORE 238 OF 320.

The HERO enters. The PEASANT GIRL is weeping at her mother’s grave, which is marked “Fletcher’s Wife.” Point music for her. The HERO slowly approaches. A silent moment before he consoles her.

                                                                         HERO
You’re right. I should have been more wary. I was just too eager to find a screen where we can be alone and make love that I let my guard down, but it won’t happen again...

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I’m sorry I got so angry, it’s just things are moving fast, so fast...

                                                                         HERO
Where is Alfred?

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
                                    (pulling tea cup out of nowhere)
I told him about our getting mugged and he gave us this consolation tea, I was just about to take a sip.

                                                                         HERO
NO!!!!

He slaps it out of her hand. They talk over each other.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
You asshole! That was my-

                                                                         HERO
That was cemetery tea! NEVER DRINK IT!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
That was my CONSOLATION TEA!

                                                                         HERO
You could have died! Cemetery tea is lethal and I don’t want to lose you! I love you! And death is everywhere! EVERYWHERE!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I would have been consoled! You ruin everything with your sudden bursts of inconsideration! I just want things to be nice! Life is so fleeting!

At the same instant the both stop talking and gaze deeply at each other. Suddenly, they passionately kiss, rolling around on the floor. The CEMETERY MAN enters and sees them.

                                                                         CEMETERY MAN
Hide behind tombstone.

Cemetery point music. The HERO looks around, alarmed.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
It’s nothing.

They resume making love.

Cemetery point music. Repeatedly. The HERO shoots a look in his direction.

PEASANT GIRL shrieks and covers herself.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
PERVERT!!! PERVERT!!

The HERO charges CEMETERY MAN and begins repeatedly stabbing him, for far too long.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Stop it! You’re killing him! Oh Octopus god, stop it! Stop it! Oh tentacled one! He’s already dead, stop it! It’s like you are stabbing his soul now! You monster!

She runs north, sobbing. The HERO continues to beat and stab the long deceased CEMETERY MAN. In the process of this brutal act he has totally gone vacant—almost like an NPC—himself. He suddenly snaps out of it and absorbs what he has done.

                                                                         HERO
Restore. PLEASE!

Nothing happens.

                                                                         HERO
Shit.

He walks north.

 

SCENE 44—FLETCHER’S LOFT—SCORE 238 OF 320.

The PEASANT GIRL is back to her spot. The FLETCHER stands by, absently sipping his trusty hootch.

                                                                         HERO
You probably hate me for brutally killing that man. I have something to confess to you—that is not the first time I’ve killed. My first memory involves being in a brig, ostensibly for murder. I think... I think I need help. Perhaps you can take me to the town apothecary and we can get me some anti-psychotic brew or something?

She does not respond.

                                                                         HERO
Did you hear me?

A long beat.

                                                                         HERO
Talk to peasant girl.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Thank you for saving me!

The HERO runs over to the FLETCHER.

                                                                         HERO
Talk to fletcher!

                                                                         FLETCHER
Thank you for saving my daughter. I hope you enjoyed my bow.

HERO slumps to the floor and begins rocking back and forth while chewing on his fist.

                                                                         HERO
No! No no no no no no no no no no no no no no...

He hyperventilates. He recovers. As he talks to the PEASANT GIRL, he slowly breaks down. Each line becoming more difficult and painful than the previous.

                                                                         HERO
Talk to Peasant Girl.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Thank you for saving me!

                                                                         HERO
Talk to Peasant Girl.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Thank you for saving me!

                                                                         HERO
Talk to Peasant Girl.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Thank you for saving me!

                                                                         HERO
Talk to Peasant Girl.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Thank you for saving me!

                                                                         HERO
Talk to Peasant Girl.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Thank you for saving me!

                                                                         HERO
Talk to Peasant Girl.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Thank you for saving me!

He can talk no further. He sings part of the lullaby. No response. He slowly pads away and exits the loft. Silence as PEASANT GIRL and FLETCHER remain onstage.
After a pregnant moment, she finishes the lullaby and sinks to the floor.

 

SCENE 45—TOWN SQUARE—SCORE 260 OF 320

Lights up HERO and the corpses of the NEOGHBOR and the BEGGAR. The HERO is covered with blood and holding his dagger.
The stolen inventory objects are everywhere. The HERO wakes up.

                                                                         HERO
What happened last night? Where did all those points come from? I can’t remember anything after I downed that eighth shot at the inn.

                                                                         VOICE
Liquor before beer, coast is clear. Beer before liquor, coast is clear.

                                                                         HERO
That sounds off.

                                                                         VOICE
On with your quest!

He notices the body of the NEAIGHBOR.

                                                                         HERO
Oh the loomer! I must have caught him! And... And... Succumbed to my inner darkness. My inventory... Pick up octopus token.

Point music. 261 of 320.

                                                                         HERO
Pick up bow.

Point music. 262 of 320

                                                                         HERO
Pick up massage oil.

Point music. 263 of 320.

                                                                         HERO
Pick up... Utter and crippling depression brought about by falling into the same mistakes and patterns of behavior that have held me back from self-actualization for so long.

Point music. 264 of 320.

                                                                         HERO
Pick up hammer.

Point music. 265 of 320.

He heads east.

 

SCENE 46—LOFT ROW—SCORE 265 OF 320

There is a GYPSEY WOMAN standing in front of the FLETCHER’s loft, which has burned to the ground along with the NEIGHBOR’s loft.

The HERO runs over.

                                                                         HERO
Look.

                                                                         VOICE
It looks like the loomer and the fletcher’s lofts burned down in the night. A gypsy woman stands outside.

                                                                         HERO
What happened?! Talk to gypsy woman.

                                                                         GYPSY WOMAN
My son wishes to be an archer when he grows up. I also have vast supernatural powers and can read palms.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about fire!

                                                                         GYPSY WOMAN
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

HERO shakes her.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about right behind you, you crazy old bat!

                                                                         GYPSY WOMAN
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about Peasant Girl.

                                                                         GYPSY WOMAN
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about fletcher.

                                                                         GYPSY WOMAN
They found the fletcher’s body in the loft.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about loft.

                                                                         GYPSY WOMAN
Someone burned down the loomer’s loft and the fire spread to
the fletcher’s loft.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about suspected arsonist.

                                                                         GYPSY WOMAN
He was your height, with a beard about your length.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about number of victims.

                                                                         GYPSY WOMAN
They found the fletcher’s body in the loft.

                                                                         HERO
What about the Peasant Girl...?

No response. The HERO considers.

                                                                         HERO
Give bow to gypsy.

Point music. Score 267 of 320.

                                                                         GYPSY WOMAN
Now my son can fulfill his dreams of becoming a world class archer. Thank you for this kind turn. Take this tarot deck as I am retiring from being a gypsy. I will rely on my son’s income as an archer to keep the family fed and alive.

She hands him the tarot deck.
She walks away.

                                                                         HERO
What about the Peasant Girl? I don’t care about your stupid career or family! Don’t go!

She exits.

                                                                         HERO
Look at inventory.

                                                                         VOICE
You have a tarot deck, a hammer, an utter and crippling depression brought about by falling into the same mistakes and patterns of behavior that have held you back from self-actualization for so long, massage oil, an octopus token, and a dagger.

                                                                         HERO
Search for body of Peasant Girl.

                                                                         VOICE
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

The HERO numbly stumbles south.

 

SCENE 47—CEMETERY—SCORE 267 OF 320

The HERO regards the empty cemetery. He walks up to a point.

                                                                         HERO
This is where we nearly made love...

He walks to another point.

                                                                         HERO
This is where I killed Alfred.

He walks to another point.

                                                                         HERO
This is where I will die. Use dagger on self.

                                                                         VOICE
The mayor’s daughter needs your help.

                                                                         HERO
Use hammer to clobber self to death.

                                                                         VOICE
You can’t do that.

                                                                         HERO
Eat octopus token in hopes that it will become lodged in throat causing asphyxiation.

                                                                         VOICE
That’s pushing it.

The HERO pulls out his dagger and puts it to his throat.

                                                                         HERO
I can just do it... Fuck you universe. Fuck you hard. Defile grave.

                                                                         VOICE
You can’t do-

The HERO kicks a tombstone. He hurts his foot badly. He recovers and uses the hammer to smash the tombstone away. He puts the hammer away. He holds the knife to his own throat again. A tense pause.

                                                                         VOICE
Go ahead. You know there is nothing on the other side... All there is is rescuing the mayor’s daughter. But do it. Do it you coward. I won’t restore. There will be nothing but nothing. Do it! DO IT NOW!

Offstage, the PEASANT GIRL hums the lullaby.

                                                                         HERO
Peasant Girl? Is that you...?

He puts the dagger away. He walks north.

 

SCENE 48—LOFT ROW—SCORE 267 OF 320

He looks around. He hears the lullaby again. He hurries west.

 

SCENE 49—TOWN SQUARE—SCORE 267 OF 320

The NEIGHBOR and BEGGAR are still dead in the street.

                                                                         HERO
Shit, I didn’t realize I had also killed the beggar.

He walks north.

 

SCENE 50—TOWER ENTRANCE—SCORE 267 OF 320

The OGRE charges at him.

                                                                         HERO
Look at ogre.

                                                                         VOICE
He looks clumsy.

The HERO turns around and exits just in the nick of time.

 

SCENE 51—TOWN SQUARE—SCORE 267 OF 320

                                                                         HERO
Look at inventory.

                                                                         VOICE
You have a tarot deck, a hammer, an utter and crippling depression brought about by falling into the same mistakes and patterns of behavior that have held you back from self-actualization for so long, massage oil, an octopus token, and a dagger.

                                                                         HERO
Use massage oil on tarot deck.

Point music. Score 268 of 320.

                                                                         HERO
Well, well, well Mr. Ogre. It looks like it’s time someone did a tarot reading on you. And the Death card won’t mean change. It will mean death!

He travels north.

 

SCENE 52—TOWER ENTRANCE—SCORE 268 OF 320

The OGRE charges.

                                                                         HERO
Throw cards at ogre’s feet.

He throws the cards and the OGRE slips on them and falls over.

                                                                         OGRE
Ow! My spinal cord! Who would have thought a simple fall would fell Ug the Mighty!

The OGRE dies. Point music.
Score 270 of 320. The HERO has an epiphany.

                                                                         HERO
Everyone I’ve directly interacted with has died. This doesn’t bode well for Evilicus.

                                                                         VOICE
You didn’t kill the guard you put to sleep outside.

The HERO considers for a short beat, then goes south.

 

SCENE 53—OUTSIDE PERILTON—SCORE 270 OF 320

The HERO approaches the sleeping GUARD. In a workmanlike fashion he quickly and efficiently slices the GUARD’s throat. Point music. Score 273 of 320. He heads north without batting an eye.

 

SCENE 54—TOWER ENTRANCE—SCORE 273 OF 320

He hears the lullaby being sung offstage. It appears in the score along with an ambient sound of menace that resembles wind moving through a tunnel. The HERO regards the weather. Something has changed.

                                                                         HERO
Look at... universe?

                                                                         VOICE
The universe appears to be on the cusp of collapsing, perhaps Evilicus is preparing to cast the Armageddon spell, which would kill everyone in the world. Everyone that you haven’t killed.

                                                                         HERO
So the gypsy woman then.

                                                                         VOICE
No, you killed her just now.

                                                                         HERO
I did?

                                                                         VOICE
You blacked out.

                                                                         HERO
Am... Am I Evilicus? Ask about if I’m the monster?

                                                                         VOICE
You are not Evilicus.

The lullaby is sung offstage again.

                                                                         HERO
She’s alive, she has to be. I’m sorry I almost used dagger on self. Because even if she isn’t alive, and I’m just hearing things, at least I know that I am human, that I can connect to someone in a way that doesn’t involve killing them, or exchanging items.

He approaches the tower door.

                                                                        HERO
Enter tower.

He enters the tower.

 

SCENE 55—TOWER LOBBY—SCORE 273 OF 320

A RECEPTIONIST sits at a desk. A CONFUSED TROUBADOUR is talking to her while the INNKEEPER and the FLETCHER’S APPRENTICE sit and wait, reading scrolls.

                                                                         HERO
Look.

                                                                         VOICE
You are in the lobby of Evilicus’s tower. A receptionist is trying to explain something to a confused looking troubadour. The innkeeper and the fletcher’s apprentice sit and wait, reading scrolls depicting the latest Perilton celebrity gossip. The stairs up are to the north.

                                                                         HERO
Look at fletcher’s apprentice.

                                                                         VOICE
He’s the one on the right.

The HERO approaches him.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about fletcher’s demise.

                                                                         VOICE
He appears to be busy reading his scroll.

The HERO dashes towards the stairs and is stopped by an invisible force. He keeps trying to move forward but can’t.

                                                                         HERO
The fuck?

                                                                         VOICE
You need permission from the receptionist.

                                                                         HERO
Sneak up stairs.

                                                                         VOICE
The receptionist has the eyes of a hawk. She’d notice you.

                                                                         HERO
Look at receptionist.

                                                                         VOICE
She’s crafty.

                                                                         HERO
Look at confused troubadour.

                                                                         VOICE
He looks like he’d do a good job with a cover song. Currently he is trying to grasp what the receptionist is telling him.

                                                                         HERO
Listen.

                                                                         VOICE
You mean...

                                                                         HERO
Eavesdrop.

                                                                         CONFUSED TROUBADOUR
OK, I filed for my troubadour’s license at the mayor’s office over a month ago!

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
This is understood, but without a decent composition to use as evidence of the fact that you have created original works, we can’t issue you a license.

                                                                         CONFUSED TROUBADOUR
But if I don’t have a license I can’t go to the Troubadour Academy! And if I can’t go to the academy then I won’t learn the vital composing skills I’ll need to create an original work which I could use to get the license to go to the academy in the first place! It’s like the system is arranged in such a fashion as to prevent anyone from actually being able to advance! I don’t understand!

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
Well, perhaps you’ll just have to compose something purely from inspiration rather than craft.

                                                                         CONFUSED TROUBADOUR
But art is the marriage of the two!

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
Those two things don’t go together! Look, I’m not here to argue about the nature of art. I’m here to issue licenses for various professions and to schedule events for Evilicus.

                                                                         CONFUSED TROUBADOUR
This is infuriating! The mayor’s office is closed on account of the mayor being worried about his daughter being kidnapped by your office, and your office is completely unhelpful! I don’t understand what I'm supposed to do now!?

                                                                         HERO
What I don’t understand is how everyone evaded the ogre to get in here!

Silence. Everyone stares at HERO.

                                                                         VOICE
Nobody likes you.

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
Please wait in the designated lobby area, Evilicus will see you in the order you arrived. If you are here for queries about licenses, you’ll need to go to the mayor’s office to get the proper forms.

                                                                         HERO
Talk to confused troubadour.

                                                                         CONFUSED TROUBADOUR
Woah! Woah! I can’t deal with everyone talking all at once!

HERO sings the lullaby. Nobody reacts.

                                                                         HERO
Teach lullaby to confused troubadour.

                                                                         CONFUSED TROUBADOUR
I need an ORIGINAL song, fathead.

                                                                         HERO
Pass time by reading celebrity gossip.

                                                                         VOICE
You can’t do that.

                                                                         HERO
Wait forever.

                                                                         VOICE
You can’t do that. You must press on with your quest.

                                                                         HERO
Talk to innkeeper.

                                                                         INNKEEPER
Well, if it isn’t the young adventurer who was a little deep in his cups last night. Hee hee.

                                                                         HERO
Did you see me do or say anything that would lead you to believe I would commit arson and inadvertently, or god forbid totally advertently, murder my true love? I mean ask about arson!

                                                                         INNKEEPER
Someone burned down the loomer’s loft last night. Killed the fletcher.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about fletcher’s daughter.

                                                                         INNKEEPER
I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

                                                                         HERO
Ask if I was up to anything shady last night.

                                                                         INNKEEPER
You kept doing funny things last night.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about funny things.

                                                                         INNKEEPER
You kept threatening to burn down the loomer’s house, you were vomiting everywhere, and you kept brutally murdering the various patrons of my inn. Hee hee.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about why aren’t you horrified to be talking to me?

                                                                         INNKEEPER
I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

                                                                         HERO
Look at inventory.

                                                                         VOICE
You have a hammer, an utter and crippling depression brought about by falling into the same mistakes and patterns of behavior that have held you back from self-actualization for so long, an octopus token, and a dagger.

                                                                         HERO
Give utter and crippling depression brought about by falling into the same mistakes and patterns of behavior that have held me back from self actualization for so long to confused troubadour.

Point music. 275 of 320.

                                                                         CONFUSED TROUBADOUR
Oh god, this is awful... But I feel strangely inspired... Must go home and compose art... Or hang self. I don’t see how it could even be worth living with such an intense inner grappling... I mean, if these things in my life that hold me back are always there, aren't they innate to my nature, thus if I cut them off in an effort to move forward I am fundamentally killing who I am as a human being... Oh god... Why even bother going to academy? I've sat here and tossed away the best years I had foolishly not composing enough and not being able to get my shit together, and now that I see it it’s too late. Decades gone! Gone! I never even got a chance to tell my father I appreciated all he did for me, even though his demons live on in me. Who will break this chain! Who? Why should I have a child if it just allows the demons to continue to live on in the world!

                                                                         HERO
Uhhh...

                                                                         CONFUSED TROUBADOUR
It’s all so fleeting. Last night someone burned down the loomer’s loft, and the fletcher died in the spreading fire. All that time wasted getting looming and fletching licenses and for what? Is that what the divine multi tentacled one had in mind for us? No. There is no such thing as an octopus god! This is all chance, it’ all random chance, this existence. There is nothing! NOTHING! And once I’m dead I won’t remember any of this fever dream called existence. And since I will be dead one day all of this is all already guaranteed to be forgotten. I’m already dead! You’re all already dead! We all died in that fire last night, and we’ll all die in the fire tonight!

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
Actually, Evilicus is casting an Armageddon spell as we speak.

                                                                         CONFUSED TROUBADOUR
Well, he won’t take me alive! He won’t take me! I’m going to the nearby barn to hang myself!

He exits. Point music. 277 of 320.

The FLETCHER’S APPRENTICE steps up. He begins miming talking to the receptionist.

                                                                         HERO
Eavesdrop.

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
You’ll need to prove you’re a fletcher’s apprentice to claim a license.

                                                                         FLETCHER’S APPRENTICE
Can I show you a fletching tool?

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
That would be sufficient.

                                                                         FLETCHER’S APPRENTICE
You know what, I left my fletching tools back at home.

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
You’ll have to go back and get them then.

                                                                         FLETCHER’S APPRENTICE
But I live five screens away!

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
I’m sorry sir, those are the rules.

                                                                         FLETCHER’S APPRENTICE
I’m not leaving until I have my license!

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
And I’m not giving you a license or advancing the line until you show me a tool!

                                                                         HERO
Give hammer to fletcher’s apprentice.

Point music. 278 of 320.

                                                                         FLETCHER’S APPRENTICE
Thanks! This fetching young man just fetched my fletching hammer for me!

He drops the hammer.

                                                                         FLETCHER’S APPRENTICE
Ow! My foot! OWWW!

He falls over, banging his head on the receptionist desk.

                                                                         FLETCHER’S APPRENTICE
Who would have thought a simple fall would fell the future fletcher!

He dies dramatically. The INKEEPER steps up, over his body.

                                                                         HERO
Eavesdrop.

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
How can I help you sir?

                                                                         INNKEEPER
Hee Hee. I’ve waited so long I forgot what I came here for.

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
Are you renewing your innkeeper’s license?

                                                                         INNKEEPER
No... Not that...

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
Were you seeking an audience with Evilicus?

                                                                         INNKEEPER
Maybe... I don’t know... Do you mind if I stand here and think on it for awhile?

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
Not in the slightest. Nobody minds at all.

                                                                         HERO
Talk to innkeeper.

                                                                         INNKEEPER
Well, if it isn’t the young adventurer who was a little deep in his cups last night. Hee hee.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about why you’re here.

                                                                         INNKEEPER
I wish I could remember! I’d forget my head if it wasn’t attached to my gooble-gobble!

                                                                         HERO
Ask about “gooble-gobble?”

                                                                         INNKEEPER
I have forgotten what things are called.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about how you manage to run an inn despite obvious senility.

                                                                         INNKEEPER
Well usually there is someone, possibly a stranger, possibly one of my children, creating sounds in my direction and I do my best to respond to the sounds. I also serve lots of soups. Every now and again someone pays me for some reason. Then one day I came here. Then you asked me about how I managed to run my inn. Then we got to this moment in time. Then this one. Later I have plans to urinate. Have you ever seen a candle right before it bursts into an almond flavored jam?

                                                                         HERO
Ask about... What are you talking about?

Point music. 279 of 320.

                                                                         INNKEEPER
One day blood will rain from the sky.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about blood.

Right on top of the HERO’s line and in an extremely startling fashion the INNKEEPER screams.

                                                                         INNKEEPER
AHHH!!!!

                                                                         HERO
Ask about blood from the sky...

The HERO winces in anticipation of another scream. Point music 280 of 320.

                                                                         INNKEEPER
The fletcher’s daughter once shot the octopus god. She readied an arrow in one of her father’s bows and fired it into the sky. The octopus god bled black blood. The blood was driven into the soil. The crops died. We all starved to death when winter came around.

                                                                         HERO
Ask about fletcher’s daughter!

                                                                         INNKEEPER
I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Point music 281 of 320.

                                                                         HERO
The hell?

                                                                         INNKEEPER
A round of points for everyone!

Point music 282 of 320.
INNKEEPER point music.
RECEPTIONIST point music.
PEASANT GIRL point music.

                                                                         HERO
That’s her! She’s here! She must be here in some form! Ask about Peasant Girl... Talk to innkeeper... Hello?

The RECEPTIONIST gets up and waves her hand in front of the INNKEEPER’s face. No reaction. She pushes him over.

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
Another stroke victim. How can I help you?

                                                                         HERO
I’d like to see Evilicus.

                                                                         RECEPTIONIST
OK, stairs are right behind me.

                                                                         HERO
Thanks.

He heads up the stairs.

 

SCENE 56—STAIRWAY TO EVILICUS’S LAIR—SCORE 282 OF 320

It’s dark. Menacing, exciting, climactic battle music is playing.

                                                                         HERO
Look.

                                                                         VOICE
You are in the stairwell, Evilicus’s lair is just beyond that foreboding door!

                                                                         HERO
Look at door.

                                                                         VOICE
It seems armegeddony beyond that foreboding door!

                                                                         HERO
Open door.

 

SCENE 57—EVILICUS’S LAIR—SCORE 282 OF 320

The PEASANT GIRL is in Evilicus’s layer.

                                                                         HERO
Peasant Girl? You’re alive!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I am, my love...

HERO embraces her. She bristles.

                                                                         HERO
I thought I had inadvertently killed you!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
No, but you did kill my father.

                                                                         HERO
Right, sorry. I had just had too much to drink and I thought I ought to teach that loomer-

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
You had too much to drink?

                                                                         HERO
I thought you had... I don’t know, I thought somehow you had gone away.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I don’t understand what you’re talking about.

                                                                         HERO
Look, I’m sorry I sent your father to a horrible fiery grave, but what’s important is that we’re here, alive together. All I have to do is defeat Evilicus and then we can go make love in the stairway!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I’m Evilicus.

                                                                         HERO
                                    (stunned)
I don’t understand what you’re talking about!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
And you’re too late to defeat me because I’ve already cast the Armageddon spell.

                                                                         HERO
You can’t do that!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I can and did.

                                                                         VOICE
Finish Evilicus off!

                                                                         HERO
Wait... Wait... So you kidnapped the mayor’s daughter?

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Yes.

                                                                         HERO
And then you cast an Armageddon spell?

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Yes. Some stuff happened in between, obviously.

                                                                         HERO
So why was the octopus cult arresting you? Was that a ruse to get me to save you? And what would that even accomplish?

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
No, it wasn’t a ruse. My father has some serious tax issues to work out. Or had... Until SOMEONE KILLED HIM!

                                                                         HERO
Don’t- Don’t get angry at me. I love you!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I loved you once...

                                                                         HERO
So then why are you destroying the world? If that love was once there then-

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Why are you an adventurer and not a shepherd? Why was my father the fletcher?

                                                                         HERO
Because he got a license... I don’t know. Look - is there any way you can reverse the spell and not kill everyone in the world!?

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I’m afraid not.

                                                                         HERO
How about sparing our lives specifically.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
You could kill me and the wave of death sweeping the world screen by screen would cease, but you won’t kill me. Because you need me.

                                                                         VOICE
Kill her! Kill her before the wave of death engulfs Perilton! Already it is the marshes of the flying toad people! Tadpoles float to the surface of blood red swamps with dead black eyes...

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Hello...

                                                                         HERO
Ask about tadpoles floating to the surface like corpses?

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
What?

VOICE and PEASANT GIRL talk on top of each other until noted.

                                                                         VOICE
If you don’t kill her everyone in the world will be dead.

                                                                        PEASANT GIRL
If you kill me then the universe will cease to exist.

                                                                         HERO
But I don’t want to kill you, I want to make love to you.

                                                                         VOICE
You can’t let Evilicus win!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
You think what we had was unique?

                                                                         VOICE
Fulfill your destiny and drive your dagger into Evilicus’s heart!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
There is no other option for me but to cast the Armageddon spell.

                                                                         HERO
Woah! Woah! I can’t focus with everyone talking at once!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL & VOICE
Of course you can. All along you’ve been defined by your pursuit of Evilicus. That defines you. You don’t really feel anything. You feel out of fear that there is nothing inside you. All your “feelings” are shadows of that fear. You happiness is not happiness, it is fear. Same for your desire.

PEASANT GIRL and VOICE go back to talking one at time.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Prove to me you love me and wait for your death. Take my hand.

                                                                         VOICE
Do not take her hand. I am calling in my favor. You told me you would do anything for the last restore. I want you to kill Evilicus.

                                                                         HERO
                                    (to the VOICE)
I can’t!

The PEASANT GIRL withdraws her hand.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
I see. I offered you one last chance...

                                                                         HERO
That last restore didn’t even do anything!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Hello? It’s like you’re absent, vacant. You aren’t even here! I thought I had awoken you...

                                                                         HERO
Wait didn’t I wake you... I’m sorry, I’m still a little lost? Why did you kidnap the mayor’s daughter? And how much time do I have before the wave hits our screen?

The PEASANT GIRL hums the lullaby. He joins her. The VOICE breathes heavy over the song. PEASANT GIRL regards him and realizes that this lullaby is the last beautiful moment they will ever have together. She fights to hold back tears.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
You had your chance. It’s not long now. Ten seconds and we’re both dead.

                                                                         HERO
                                    (Like saying “Christ”)
Octopus.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
It’s too late for the octopus god, he bleeds from the sky.

The sound of blood falling like rain.

                                                                         VOICE
NOW OR NEVER! Five seconds!

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
Five seconds. Four. Three.

The HERO stabs her. Blood drips from her mouth. She starts dying, surprised.

Point music 298 of 320.

                                                                         VOICE
Well done.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
                                    (dying)
You let the universe... It ends when the ceremony is over...

She falls, the HERO grabs her into his arms.

                                                                         PEASANT GIRL
If you had taken my hand...

                                                                         HERO
Wait, what do you mean? What do you mean?

She is dead. This realization hits him. Lights fade. Blackout.

 

SCENE 58—THRONE ROOM—SCORE 298 OF 320.

Lights fade up on an award ceremony. The MAYOR’S DAUGHTER is marrying the HERO with the MAYOR presiding. A CROWD of townspeople is gathered, cheering and applauding with mechanical gestures. The HERO is the same pose he ended the last scene in.

                                                                         MAYOR
Finally Perilton is free from the iron grip of Evilicus! You have saved us all, and shall wed my daughter as a reward for your heroism!

                                                                         HERO
                                    (In a daze)
I’m sorry... I loved you. Love you. I... Where am I?

The HERO slowly registers he is no longer in Evilicus’s Lair.

                                                                         MAYOR’S DAUGHTER
Thank you for saving me!

                                                                         HERO
Who the fuck are you? Wait- wait- wait-

The HERO grasps what is about to happen. He is filled with dread.

                                                                         MAYOR
You killed Evilicus and ended evil forever! No longer will we be taxed or forced to toil in dead end jobs! Three cheers for the hero!

                                                                         CROWD
Hip! Hip! Hooray!

                                                                         HERO
Oh no. Oh no. STOP!

                                                                         CROWD
Hip! Hip! Hooray!

                                                                         HERO
You don’t understand, stop cheering. FUCKING SHUT UP!

The HERO starts choking one member of the crowd. A celebratory smile remains plastered to the poor guy’s face.

                                                                         CROWD
Hip! Hip! Hooray!

                                                                         MAYOR
Do you take my daughter to be you wife?

                                                                         HERO
Absolutely not!

                                                                         MAYOR
And do you, daughter, take this dashing hero to be your husband?

                                                                         HERO
But I didn’t say yes!

                                                                         MAYOR’S DAUGHTER
I do!

                                                                         MAYOR
You may kiss the bride and conclude this ceremony!

She keeps trying to kiss him and “conclude” the wedding.

                                                                         HERO
NO! Stay away from me! You don’t understand! I should have taken her hand...

Relentlessly the MAYOR’S DAUGHTER tries to kiss him.

                                                                         HERO
Leave me alone you BEAST!

The HERO throws the MAYOR’S DAUGHTER to the ground and punches the MAYOR in the face.

                                                                         MAYOR’S DAUGHTER
                                    (standing up, unaffected)
I love you too!

                                                                         MAYOR
You may kiss the bride and conclude this ceremony!

                                                                         HERO
YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! STOP THIS FUCKING CEREMONY BEFORE IT IS TOO FUCKING LATE!

The townspeople and the MAYOR wrestle the HERO to the ground as he flails wildly. Eventually the MAYOR’S DAUGHTER pecks him on the lips. Applause breaks out from the crowd.

                                                                         HERO
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Lights fade out. Five seconds. Jump to full brightness. The stage is empty.

Hold for twenty seconds.

Blackout.

END OF PLAY



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